I wish I could have a dick for a day. And if I could borrow one—anybody's—I'd want the freak-show schlong of Ignacio Jordà González, aka Nacho Vidal. Do you know Nacho? He's a former boxer, was in a punk band as a teenager, and has starred in over 1,500 triple-X-ers. He's from Barcelona, Spain, and he's one of Europe's biggest porn stars. What's so special about his, uh, well... how about 8.5 inches long by 6.5 inches in circumference? It's the latter measurement that you see written all over the faces of the ladies in his films. He's really nasty—super rough—he seems certifiably crazy. But he's also 100 percent alpha male. And strong women need strong men to get them running tight. He used to be Belladonna's fiancé. (Oh, and remember when I wrote that Belladonna retired a few weeks ago? She's already back.) Strong men like Nacho, too. After Nacho and Bella broke up, he started directing transsexual and gay films. He claims he made these "as a gift to the vast majority of his fans who are gay males." Nacho is macho, but still loves the trannies?! What a gem. Go to www.porneskimo.com and search for his name. What. A. Dick.

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