HEY, YOU DIRTY BIRDS! Go on and admit it; you love a little porn. However, the embarrassment of renting porn videos can often be eclipsed by your lack of knowledge on the subject (after all, it's not like you have a horny Leonard Maltin standing by to lend a hand). Therefore, it's with tingly excitement that we offer our own Porno Review Revue; smart dirty movie choices by smart dirty movie lovers in the genres of lesbian, bisexual, amateur, by women for women, and gay maleness (and even more genres in the months to come). All titles are available at Video Vertigo and Toys in Babeland, where one should never be embarrassed by one's horniness.

The Lesbian Genre

by Mary Martone

SAN FRANCISCO LESBIAN BONDAGE CLUB #3

(1998, Dungeon Video) **

Here's a video featuring a girl for everyone. A tart in roller skates. Chunky bitches in prison. A skinny L.A. type spanking a swing girl. And my favorites, a laughing redhead who packs a Tootsie Pop and keeps her naughty schoolgirl smiling (at one point offering her a Jack-in-the-Box antenna ball to focus on), as she whales the bejesus out of her. Now that's good whackin'! Of course, there were some porn crimes. What's up with the pantomimed butt-fucking? And would someone please, please tell the tops that when they do that "Oh you want it? You don't deserve it? Are you going to thank me for it?" etc., they have a bit of an aerobics instructor thing going on, not to mention the uptalk factor, which is disempowering and inappropriate for any top worth her clamps. And worst of all, but predictably, because this is a "fetish" video, there's no penetration. Frankly, by the time I'm done with this many women I'm usually ready for a quick poke, at the very least. But all in all, this is jam-packed with chick-paddlin' goodness. Beg for it at a store near you.

LESBIAN MATURE WOMEN 4

(1999, Channel 69 Video) ***

If you're into keeping the mainstream porn actresses working in "all-girl-action," this is the vid for you. Oddly reserved name aside (compare with shelfmates Pokeahotass and Santa's Itty Bitty Titty Helpers), here's a pack of ladies who don't even take off their wedding rings before they rev up their vibrators and take liberties with the filly next door. I learned a lot from this movie--most importantly, if you keep increasing your implant size, you never have to worry about sagging breasts. What makes this video stand out? Enthusiastic rimming. Several real orgasms. No music, thank goodness (I'm pretty sure that, given a choice, these women would go with Kenny G, or worse, Melissa Etheridge). Torturous factors? The phrase "titty sandwich." The deadly "no-lip-contact lick 'n' twirl kissing," which made my girlfriend run out of the room. And god help us, the cheap elastic harnesses. However, when I throw the pros and the cons in the hopper, and factor in that scene in the cab with the driver watching, I've got to give it a resounding thumbs up, even though thumbs make no noise.

The Bi-Sexual Genre

by Wm. Steven Humphrey

VALLEY OF THE BI DOLLS

(Catalina Video, 1993) ****

Feeling peckish when it comes to porn? Then remember, bisexual porn gives the sexually undecided more bang for their buck! And here's the Citizen Kane of bi-porn, Valley of the Bi Dolls; a terrific spoof starring the queen of the genre, Sharon Kane (who's a dead-ringer for Courtney Love in a good mood). Sharon wows as a singer/songwriter whose career is ruined by a jealous aging diva, sending her spiraling into the seedy world of booze, pills, and... oh, yeah! Bunches of inter-gender SEX. Though the "hot girl-on-girl action™" quotient is low, Sharon carries the film, running the gamut of emotions from drunken rage to yelpy orgasm, making this the only porn where you'll actually want to fast-forward through the sex scenes to get to the plot.

TOYS BI US

(Bi-Line Video, 1993) ***

Sharon Kane thrills again in this salute to sexual capitalism! While giving her girlfriend oral sex in a pool, Sharon devises a great way to make money quick--selling sex toys door to door! Before you can say "Ding! Dong! Avon calling!" Sharon enters the home of two men who just happen to be sitting around masturbating. "Don't get up!" she says, and with the aplomb of the most professional Mary Kay Cosmetics lady, she whips out her vast array of big floppy dildos. The hopelessly naive boys have never even seen so much as a buttplug, but are cheerfully curious, and eager to sample her wares. Sharon's sales skyrocket as she demonstrates a double-headed dildo and a Jeff Stryker-sized rubber Johnson. And when she breaks out her big black strap-on? Well, it's enough to make any prostate owner's heart go pitter-pat.

JEFF STRYKER'S EVERY WHICH WAY

(Stryker Productions, 1991) ***

All I'm saying is if I were four feet tall, my penis would look huge, too. That aside, Jeff Stryker is awesome! He's so cool; it's like watching a dirty movie starring the Fonz. Here's the plot: Jeff's sharp Datsun 280ZX breaks down right outside the house of Jade East, who's skinny-dipping in the pool. He asks to use the phone, but gets distracted when his penis accidentally falls into Jade's vagina. Then, forced to ride his ultra-cool motorcycle, Jeff pops wheelies and flips off the cops on his short ride to his next three-way. After servicing every orifice in the room, it's vroom-vroom! and off to masturbate while watching his brother bang a hooker and his best friend. (I can't say if it's Jeff's real brother, but I can say the man has two organs in common with a donkey. Hint: one's his brain.) Added bonus: Jeff's heart-felt oration on the importance of wearing a condom. Or in his case, "a Glad Bag." Sighhhh. He's so cool.

By Women for Women

by Esther Landers

DOCTOR'S ORDERS

(Bleu Productions, 1998) ***

Director Maria Beatty is lauded for her near-gothic, all-out masturbatory fantasies, and Doctor's Orders continues in that vein. As the video cover proclaims, "A trip to the gyno will never be the same!" Beatty's talent lies mainly in not cracking a smile while she cracks the whip: Here a blonde ingenue is tied to the stirrups during a not-so-routine gynecological check-up; the doctor removes her lab coat to reveal medical-blue fetish wear, and oh, those shiny tools are put to good use. This fantasy is not for those squeamish about bodily fluids: A surprise ending involving an enema gives graphic dimension to dirty. There is no dialogue throughout, only the overlay of a heartbeat and the beep of a medical machine, lending that essential suspense to the sterile and stuffy environs, a steadiness mocking the viewer's own prurient excitement. Is there a doctor in the house?

The Gay Male Genre

by Steve Wiecking

FRENCH CONNECTIONS PART 2: CONQUEST

(Falcon, 1999) ***

This is a Falcon video, which means it is filled with cute, hairless guys who leave their socks on and can accommodate Alpine schlongs in their canyons without so much as a yodel. Brennan Foster plays a lad stranded in France and haunted by romantic remembrances of rowing on a lake, frolicking on a lawn, and getting his ass eaten by a total stranger (visions of French Connections Part 1, I assume). Many Falcon offerings, this one included, are "shot directly on video with live synch-sound"--the only way to go, porn-wise. This assures that you'll be hearing every grunt and tickle and not some hilariously overdubbed oohs and aah, yeahs. Conquest is well worth a private stroke or two, because most of the guys remain erect and actually seem to be enjoying themselves, and because, thank God, there is only one answer to "You like zis beeg German dick?"

MANEUVERS PART I: ASSAULT

(No production company, no date) *

If pressed, I think I could beat off to Baywatch, so I don't feel like I'm the most reliable person to be reviewing bottom-of-the barrel releases. The Maneuvers canon features actual dead-faced Marine clods oafishly stroking their missiles for mundane minutes on end, while passing each other beer, cigarettes, and baby oil. Shot on cheap home video equipment, Assault lets it all hang out--you can hear the telephone ringing off-screen, as well as the straight porn the boys are watching, and the comments from thickly accented Mexican technician/cameraman/director Bobby (who later steps in front of the lens to get a professional fucking from one disturbingly silent soldier). The video has a certain boring, low-life je ne sais quoi, but if you touch yourself during it you may feel desperate and dirty; it's something like getting all tingly watching Married with Children.

Would-be Starlets

by Bradley Steinbacher

I WANNA BE A PORN STAR

(4Play, 1996) **

Porn stars don't just materialize. They don't spore. They rise-up through the ranks, from amateurs to pros. Ed Powers, porn director and all-around ugly man (scraggly beard, graying ponytail, thick glasses, and beady little eyes), has built his career on showcasing young talent--girls desperate to be famous, girls just curious, girls who don't know any better--and Powers now ranks among the most successful auteurs in the business. I Wanna Be a Porn Star will undoubtedly be the first in a long series. The girls are attractive, and if they don't seem to be completely enjoying themselves (and who would, really, if they were forced to sleep with a hound like Powers?), at least they're putting up a good effort.

MORE DIRTY DEBUTANTES #75

(4Play, 1996) **

More from creepy man Ed Powers, this time well over two hours worth. Following his patented formula, Powers first sits down with the young starlet and walks her through a painfully dull interview, probing her for likes and dislikes, finding out why she wants to be in porn (#1 answer: "I like new experiences"), and breaking the news about who she will be fucking--him. Then they go at it in standard, unimaginative positions, until Powers' cup spills forth all over the girl's rack. As an added bonus we are treated to a "downtown" session on a blonde by Al Goldstein, publisher of Screw magazine, wearing an "I Love Eating Pussy" bib and matching miner's helmet. Jesus Christ!

RANDY WEST'S UP AND CUMMERS #55

(Erotica West, 1992) ****

Randy West is a superhero of stud, from his swank L.A. pad (complete with white carpets, white furniture, and white bedspread), to his well-toned and tanned middle-aged body. His Up and Cummers series, showcasing would-be porn starlets in every position imaginable, manages to do the unthinkable--make porn look fun. The girls, all of them beautiful, all of them "natural," actually seem to be enjoying themselves. There is a playfulness about the whole debacle as West, a real smooth operator, gives girl after girl a pickle tickle. There is no pretense, no creepiness at all, just a group of girls looking to get into the business, showing off their talents with a classic porn cowboy.

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