Well, well, well. In the words of a famous anti- American traitor and presidential confidant, the chickens have come home to roost. I have been predicting this for years: The Seattle Post-Intelligencer has officially ceased publishing its daily newspaper edition. As I have suggested many times in this space, a sharp turn to the right would have saved the publication, but it continued its leftward drift until the citizens of Seattle could stomach it no more. Dan Savage and the other imbeciles who fabricate The Stranger from conjecture and blue humor every week would do well to pay attention; it is likely that they will soon share the P-I's fate.
In a maudlin "news" story drenched with crocodile tears, ELI SANDERS gloaviates (a word I have just now coined especially for Mr. Sanders—a combination of gloat and bloviate) on the death of the P-I. The piece does have a glimmer of humanity: One can detect, just below the surface of Mr. Sanders's smarmy veneer, a tinge of fear. In the weeping newsmen of Seattle's far-inferior daily, he can see a portent of himself later this year—when Mr. Savage finally pulls the plug on this carcass of a "newsweekly" or sells it to Village Voice Media to replenish his methamphetamine fund.
There is sad news about the P-I closure: Premier Seattle newshound Joel Connelly's no-nonsense columns will no longer flood onto the streets of this godforsaken city to smash some sense into its citizenry. My good friend and canasta partner Joel is too good for the mudslinging and endless, insensate tsk-tsking that is Seattle "journalism." I fear that without Joel's work to illuminate the way, all of Seattle journalism can only clamber even further down The Stranger's dark path of homosexual skulduggery.
Case in point: This issue of The Stranger is devoted to things to do if you are poor. This how-to guide for welfare queens and food-stamp mavens is sure to create even more leeches—at precisely the worst time. As everyone but Barack Hussein Obama knows, Big Government is not the appropriate salve for the rash that is the Obama Recession. Here is the A. Birch Steen Guide for Making Do in the New Economy: First, buck up; nobody likes a whiner. Second, get a job. Third, invest heavily in coal, the energy of the future.
Lastly, due to current events, I have been thinking about the "New Media" and have determined that my weekly commentary is not enough. The Stranger also publishes round the clock in an electronic form. I have assigned to my assistants the task of continually printing out the online version of The Stranger and bringing it to me; I will then provide salient and incisive commentary on these weblog posts, and then the assistants will publish them on the Twinternet at the following electronic address: www.twitter.com/strangerslog. I will chronicle the lingering death of The Stranger in what wags refer to as "real time." Welcome to the future.