When you're trying to make a comeback from a misstatement, as I guess I am, you have to take every opportunity handed to you. At least that's what Chelsea, my new media-relations expert, tells me, and she seems to know what she's doing. "I understand it's not even in your home state," Chelsea said about this public editor thing, "but it'll make you look honest and trustworthy." So here I am.

First off, I just don't get what this "Campaign Button" news story is supposed to be about. My fellow Republican Rob McKenna put a "Chicks for Rob" button on his Facebook page. So what? From what I understand from my wife, it's fine. She said she thought it was "cute." If there's some issue here, the punishment ought to be on Facebook and not on a politician just trying to reach out to the fairer sex, who can be awfully touchy sometimes, especially when Aunt Flo is in town, if you catch my drift.

Skipping back a few pages, GOLDY (no last name given) gets pretty bitchy about Safeway, which the ladies usually love. Is she just "O.T.R.," so to speak? And if so, can't she hold it in? The female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down—

Goddamnit.

Sorry. I just got word from Chelsea, and I have to say something here. Apparently, despite what the ol' ball and chain says, some ladies do find the word "chick" to be pretty offensive, apparently. I apologize if anyone was offended by my innocent phrasing of what is apparently a delicate matter...

Fuuuuuuck.

Okay. Look. Apparently, it was offensive for me to say that ladies, I mean females—wait, what? I mean women—that women can be touchy. In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it's clear that I misspoke in this column, and it does not reflect the deep empathy I hold for the thousands of female women who have menstruation every year. When I am elected, these female menstruating women will have no stronger advocate in the Senate to help ensure they are not subjected to bear or shark attacks. But, of course, I believe deeply in the protection of all life, including sharks and bears, and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right course of action. The fact is, blood leaking out of womenfolks' bellybuttons can lead to shark and bear attacks. Should born or unborn sharks or bears be the ones to suffer? Moving on...

Wait, really? I guess I've made a couple of serious mistakes here that were just wrong and I need to apologize for those. I made all those earlier statements in error. I used the wrong words in the wrong way. What I said was ill-conceived and it was wrong. I also know that more than "thousands" of America's better half menstruate every year. I didn't mean to imply that that wasn't the case. It does happen, and it's an awful thing—the worst thing that can ever happen to a lady...

Oh, shit. I give up.