One of the enduring regrets of my tenure has been my inability to inspire America's law-enforcement agencies to prosecute this gang of remorseless felons and brazen flappers. Even the interns at The Stranger are nothing more than today's truants learning, under expert criminal tutelage, how to become tomorrow's fugitives. Not that I haven't tried—even pleaded—for the authorities to bring the hammer down on this illegal house of cards. As loyal readers will recall, in the last year alone I have telephonically alerted the FBI, DEA, INS, and NSA, as well as, on numerous occasions, sent missives by facsimile to the SPD. I have kept copious notes, had my assistant make digital daguerreotypes of suspicious activities, and secured incriminating documents in my safe for use as evidence during what I hope will be long and humiliating public trials. Apparently the general lawlessness caused by the ascension of a Muslim-in-chief has left our nation's crime fighters stretched too thin to immediately respond to my tips. Nevertheless, I would have hoped that these characters would at least be on all the relevant watch lists as a result of my warnings.
Not so. I see, from this week's short feature, that PAUL CONSTANT was able to walk right into a local penal institution without being arrested on the spot. While there he seems to have had some sort of dialogue with impressionable youth about "writing"—no doubt a cover for teaching them a secret code that will allow them to communicate purchase orders to Mexican drug lord "pen pals," who will then use these unfortunate children as drug mules or worse, all while Mr. Constant takes an illegal cut of the illegal gross. Rest assured, my evidence-collecting continues apace; I will be ready whenever the authorities are.
Moving from crimes against society to crimes against clear thinking, the week's feature finds ELI SANDERS offering counsel to this state's Democrats on how to snatch the Eastside's congressional seat out from under the right-minded rump of my hunting partner Dave Reichert. That Mr. Sanders, a girlishly enthusiastic cheerleader for that two-time Democratic loser Darcy Burner, could have anything credible to say on this matter is of course absurd—as is the idea that the good Christians in those still-pastoral lands on the eastern shores of Lake Washington would even want to turn their backs on "Diamond" Dave, who before he was in Congress was a great sheriff and a good friend (and who, if destiny hadn't taken him away to D.C., would personally have come right over and thrown every one of these blights on society into the paddy wagon).
Searching for something in this issue that wasn't legally actionable, I turned to the news section, which usually at least attempts to cover its criminal tracks. Alas, no rest for the duty-bound: I have now made yet another call to the SPD, clipped a copy of JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE's incitement to violence against "religious zealots" at the University District Farmers Market, and added this unconscionable screed to the already-thick file in my safe marked "HATE CRIMES."
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