There have been a lot of rumors lately. People have been whispering about sexuality and closets and all sorts of things I can't quite wrap my entire brain around, because my brain gets knocked around my skull a whole lot, on account of my day job. Who on God's earth is this person working for The Stranger saying they are coming out of the closet as a straight person? I'm not against anyone, but I think it's a selfish act. They are just trying to make themselves bigger than the paper. Whoever this person is, it doesn't matter how good they are. That will immediately separate a newsroom and divide a paper.
Everyone knows The Stranger is gay. That's just how it is. The news section is gay, the reviews are gay, the advice column is way too gay—they even have a column called The Homosexual Agenda, written by a person named ADRIAN RYAN, who I assume is super-gay. I just read the column, and it's full of gay words like "crème" and "OMG" and "hardwood" and "Red Vines." It doesn't get much gayer than that. Why would someone come in here and straight this place up? It makes no damn sense.
Something I've noticed when I sit and stare quietly at the TV, trying to picture what all the dead synapses in my frontal cortex must look like, is that whenever people on the news talk about gay people marrying other gay people, they talk about people marrying goats. And what's in the news story by BEN STEINER? A goat named Richard Conlin. You know what's short for Richard? Dick! A goat named Dick! Does it get any gayer than that? If The Stranger was a song, like "Eye of the Tiger," the guitar would just go "GAY! GAY-GAY-GAY! GAY-GAY-GAY! GAY-GAY-GAAAAAAAAAAY. GAY!" And then the lyrics would be all "Something gay/And something else gay/Something gay and something ribald," until you're all like, "I get the point! You're gay, 'Eye of The Stranger,' okay? I get it!"
Sometimes I wake up crying and shaking and drenched in sweat, and my doctor says it's because I keep getting hit in the head all the time.
Where was I? Right! So my point is, if a Stranger writer wants to be straight, they should just do it, without telling anybody. Why would they want to go and ruin the reputation of a perfectly gay newspaper?
And who could this straight mole be? CHARLES MUDEDE writes about how he shares a car with people, which sounds like hitchhiking, which is I think pretty gay. BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT calls Matt Dillon "a damn hippie," which sounds pretty butch to me. Maybe there's no truth to all this. Maybe there is no straight person in the closet at The Stranger. But if there is, I would advise that they stay put in there. It's nobody's goddamn business, and they don't need to go parading their heterosexuality around...
Oh, shit. Guys. I just started bleeding out of my ear. That can't be good, right?