I have returned from my summer voyage aboard the Orrin Hatch, and I am pleased to announce that upon sailing into Elliott Bay I was able to hoist between its old-growth timber masts a grand banner reading "Mission Accomplished." For I have been to the Bering Sea, dear readers, and I have seen it with my own eyes: The polar bears are not crying (except when tested with my bayonet, which is as it should be), and the planet is not warming. Quite the contrary: I had to wrap myself in two grizzly pelts each morning to keep the chill off as I studied my maps and shredded the latest proofs sent my way by the editors of this despicable disservice to humanity. The scientific findings from my voyage will be presented next month in the journal Chevron, but for now I can tell you that this nonsense about highly profitable emissions being somehow bad for the environment is a rudderless Titanic that has finally met its iceberg.

I also wish to assure you that my time away, while bracing for the lungs and good for my incorrigible bursitis, has in no way lessened the contempt I feel for idiots such as ELI SANDERS, who this week satisfies his long-stifled dream of becoming a ventriloquist by impersonating not one but four elected members of the U.S. Congress, stuffing obscene words into their mouths in an act of defamation that will surely earn him a summons from the appropriate oversight committee (I believe that would be the Subcommittee on Character Assassination, Sedition, and Other Un-American Activities). The worst of it is that Mr. Sanders uses this outrageous work of fiction to cast my golfing partner, Dave Reichert, as an opponent of health-care reform, which is as far from the truth as it could be. Like all right-minded individuals, Diamond Dave wants the current health-care system changed and will not rest until those of us who are successful enough to afford visits to well-educated doctors no longer have to have our wages garnished in order to support maladapted gutter-trash who never thought about maybe earning money before deciding to get sick.

But of course The Stranger is more than just a platform for the national socialist agenda. It's also a platform for the local homosexual agenda. For instance, BRENDAN KILEY hyperbolizes in his patented "punchy" (read: illiterate) prose style about a play by a convicted sodomite. THADIUS VANLANDINGHAM III does no small amount of shame to the VanLandingham name (I assume the boy is somehow related to the esteemed Rhode Island VanLandinghams) by mincing over some sort of "dip" from France, which could be a euphemism for an atrocious homosexual act for all I know. And LINDY WEST ridicules the only true hero left in the world today: the American soldier. Suddenly, I find myself needing a vacation all over again.