You can rest assured that BRENDAN KILEY will never commit suicide. This week, especially, he is too busy "patting himself on the back" (to use a vulgar colloquialism) for writing a very long feature about suicide. It is rife with details: bodies flying through the air as though they are autumn leaves, blood pouring from the body in rivulets and rivers, children hanging themselves from their cribs. You may think to yourself as you read Kiley's leering, adoring description, "I have never read this kind of lurid detail about Seattle suicides before."

You will be correct, and for good reason: Real journalists—good journalists—do not write about suicide because countless studies have shown that suicide journalism begets more suicide. Obviously, Mr. Kiley took this as a sign that suicide was a "taboo," and it became his life's mission to "shatter" that taboo. Instead, it merely means that people will read his dithering, florid, academic hogwash and believe that suicide is a "normal" thing to do. Kiley tries to placate this very real concern by halfheartedly tacking a crisis-line phone number onto his story. This is far too little and far too late. Mark my words: There will be blood on Mr. Kiley's hands by the end of this week. Despite the relentlessly amused tone of his "reportage," there is nothing funny about this.

But if you would like to hear something humorous, try this on for size: The Stranger had a reporter stationed in the United States Supreme Court last week. JAKE BLUMGART, who must have smuggled himself into the chambers in a sack full of filthy janitorial supplies, scribbles about a case that somehow rose to the very top of America's legal system. It has to do with righteous American voters keeping their names concealed from violent homosexual terrorists, lest they face retribution most foul. Blumgart, of course, sides with the gays, and you can imagine his glee as he scribbles out slanderous quotes from liberal activist Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, who mocks God-fearing Americans for fearing homosexual attack. This abortion of justice would not have occurred on a Bork court, by gum—another reason to curse Ted Kennedy.

Elsewhere in the news section, CIENNA MADRID tries to make her case for a candidate named Anne Kirkpatrick for Seattle police chief. Save for the surprising fact that Miss Madrid did not side with her fellow Latino, John Diaz, her case is reliably boring. And while I am sure Miss Madrid believes she is being shockingly contrarian (by godless Stranger standards) by promoting Kirkpatrick, a practicing Christian, we could see this coming from a mile away. Miss Madrid is an admitted feminist; of course she sides with one of the two leading police-chief contenders who "happens" to be a woman. I believed that notable woman-hater Dan Savage had done his one good deed of the millennium by eliminating every feminist on the Stranger payroll a year ago; it turns out, he cannot even do that right.

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