It's time, again, for one of the most obnoxiously self-important Stranger issues of the year. Just in time for their readers not to care, Keck's Merry Band of Morons, also known as the STRANGER ELECTION CONTROL BOARD, have announced their endorsements for the upcoming Washington State primary. Why the desiccated brains behind this filthy rag persist in the belief that voters want to know who they endorse is an epic mystery of inflated self-regard, but even more perplexing is why a majority of the candidates show up to woo these misguided drug addicts.

No doubt a typical meeting between candidate and SECB is a great source of unintentional hilarity for candidates hard at work on the campaign trail. Between the monotonous hum of Dan Savage's relentless whining about pit bulls and pederast priests, Jonah Spangenthal-Lee's incessant begging for the public libraries to start carrying his precious Garfield comic books, and unethical attempts by Erica C. Barnett to garner approval for her proposed ban on the handicapped on public transit, all the candidates should earn awards for their bravery and patience under fire.

Looking a bit more specifically at these endorsements, we really understand the idiocy of letting these adult children have access to democracy. My good friend Cheryl Pflug, the esteemed Republican state senator from Maple Valley, has been cast aside for a woman who believes we should all be commuting via the hallucinogen-inspired concept of "magnetic levitation"? Par for the course.

I regret to say that turning one's head in disgust doesn't help. I tried, and my eyes landed squarely on the feature by CHARLES MUDEDE. Perhaps because he's aware the pittance of a salary he draws from The Stranger is the closest he'll ever come to professional life, Mudede has scribbled a paean to janitors. I would urge everyone on staff at The Stranger to read this feature, if only because they'll inevitably find themselves employed as custodians. Everyone else should avoid the piece at all costs, though Mudede should be commended for not using the words "Marxism" or "communism" even once here. Instead, he writes about Mickey Mouse and WALL•E, both of whom, I have been informed, are children's entertainers. Perhaps Mudede has finally realized the intellectual level of his audience.

Elsewhere in the paper this week, LINDY WEST savages an anonymous retail employee for being more knowledgeable than her, and new Stranger managing editor BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT drinks herself insensate—no doubt to "celebrate" her recent descent into the depths of gutter journalism—at a very old bar. Also, PAUL CONSTANT pulls on a trench coat and stands far too close to adolescent girls for the reader's comfort. Not to be outdone, STEVEN BLUM dances with preschoolers. Congratulations, Constant and Blum: In a newspaper whose history is riddled with mediocrity and criminal activity, you have managed to establish a new low, cramming both pedophilia and indecent exposure into a single issue. Expect a call from law enforcement officers in the next few days. recommended

publiceditor@thestranger.com