Every year on October 11, by presidential proclamation, all good and decent Americans should celebrate General Pulaski Memorial Day, a day to commemorate a Polish soldier of great distinction who died a horrific death at the Siege of Savannah in 1779. General Pulaski Memorial Day is only celebrated now by a handful of Haitians and by Polish-American citizens in dense urban areas. I write here about Kazimierz Pulaski precisely because he is mostly forgotten, yet I think of him every week as The Stranger assaults my eyes. If even a noble Revolutionary War hero can be forgotten in a mere 250 years, then surely this smut rag will be consigned to the dim mists of memory sometime before the hour of my death.
Though I struggled through this week's edition of The Stranger not five minutes ago, specific features already mercifully fade from my memory. I know that this week is the Bumbershoot issue, and every interminable page has some typical-for-The Stranger outrage or another on it. DAVID SCHMADER uses his big-boy words to interview some sort of comedian about a baboon attack (added bonus: Due to some cannabis-induced error, the bottom lines of the piece are missing—good work, Seattle's Only Newspaper!), CHARLES MUDEDE bloviates about someone named Del the Funky Homosapien (who I suspect is probably some sort of fictional character Mudede has created to win a bar bet), and BRENDAN KILEY can't seem to write about a theater festival without using cusswords or making an inappropriate reference to bar fights.
The listlessness on display in the Bumbershoot section clearly has bled off into the rest of the fish wrapper. Case in point: In the section supposedly devoted to books, CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE eats a gyro, which I have been informed is a type of ethnic sandwich. The feature, by Mudede, is about Barack Obama, and I believe is written in some sort of African-American code. I've ascertained that the essay makes reference to the presidential candidate's penis—another lassitudinal attempt to shock. In any case, it is, like Mudede's other Obama pieces, unreadable, although at least this particular story doesn't make reference to that indecipherable "dub step" music that he always natters on about.
In the news section, JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE, who I have come to suspect is a pseudonym for The Stranger's advertising staff, writes a mournful dirge about the passing of the Asteroid Cafe. A bit of research proves that that particular establishment, unsurprisingly, has advertised with The Stranger for years. A message to "Spangenthal-Lee" or whatever your name is: You are the only "person" in the entire world who is surprised that your scandal sheet is mortally bleeding advertisers.
Finally, we close with something genuinely memorable: In the food section, ADRIAN RYAN, who I have consistently decried as far too gay for publication, writes a story about a deceased pastry chef. It is a genuinely affecting piece, without any taint of homosexual propaganda. I regretfully must applaud Ryan for this work, although I will not be surprised to find him reverting to his traditional, unmemorable-yet-way-too-gay self in coming weeks.