Be quiet for a moment and turn your ears to the latter-day Sodom and Gomorrah known as Capitol Hill. Do you hear that? No, not the godless copulation, nor the sound of trust funds being applied toward the purchase of watered-down beer and tee-shirts with ironical expressions printed on them. I'm referring to the torrents of applause, the riots of self-congratulation spewing outward from the Stranger offices. You hear that, don't you? Listen.

This week, The Stranger's "editorial director" (whatever that means), DAN SAVAGE, wastes a good portion of this depravity-festooned coupon book basking in his own reflected glory. He refers to a "movement" of his own devising, in which he urges celebrities and homosexuals to make videos on the internet in order to promote the cause of prohibiting teenagers in high school from behaving like teenagers in high school. (I take it we're supposed to ignore the bald hypocrisy inherent in the idea of Mr. Savage—who has endlessly bullied a long line of decent Christians, most notably Rick Santorum, in his syndicated weekly sexual-dysfunction parade—suddenly becoming an anti-bullying advocate.)

Of course, I am as opposed to youth suicide as anyone else, but Mr. Savage's frenetic attempt to frame himself as a relatable, cool-dad Gandhi figure for people who are not even a quarter of his age smacks of the worst kind of desperation. Perhaps as his hair grays, he has begun to consider his own legacy and found nothing but a rotting foundation constructed of bodily-fluid jokes and futile pro-marijuana rants? In any case, he has declared victory in his amorphous battle—perhaps he will boldly come out against racism next!—and sings his own praises in a shameless bit of self-fellatio that never should have made it past the concept stage.

In other last-minute attempts to paint oneself as anything other than wretched: CHARLES MUDEDE contributes an overlong meditation on the act of kissing (of course, he immediately backslides from chaste symbols of affection to graphic mouth-to-genital exegesis). And in a "special" guide to medical marijuana dispensaries about town, The Stranger makes a ridiculously flat-footed attempt at legitimizing all the marijuana the staff smokes day in and day out.

Elsewhere: DOMINIC HOL-DEN, ELI SANDERS, CIENNA MADRID, BRENDAN KILEY, and GOLDY try to tackle the state budget and (spoiler alert!) fail; JEN GRAVES titles an essay about the "need" for arts funding "The Sound of Indifference," inadvertently emphasizing just how pointless it would be to read; BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT blathers pretentiously about what she considers "important" in a restaurant; DEAR SCIENCE once again fails to answer the question that is asked; and SAVAGE LOVE is devoted to yet another shameless bit of self-promotion, this one about Mr. Savage's burgeoning television career. Bravo, once again, everyone.