It does not take much investigating to learn that Stranger books editor PAUL CONSTANT's education goes no further than a year-and-a-half's lackluster progress toward an English degree at the University of Southern Maine. He then dropped out of school and moved to Seattle, where he apparently became the foreign policy expert for the homosexual gossip rag you are now holding in your (what I hope are gloved) hands. In an effort to appear topical, The Stranger has decided to, as the Chinese say, "chime in" on the death of Osama bin Laden, with the corpulent, bumbling Mr. Constant leading the charge. The results are as unintentionally hilarious as you would expect.

Perhaps the most shameful aspect of Mr. Constant's drivel is that he politicizes the death of Bin Laden, turning a nonpartisan moment in history into yet another talking point against Mitt Romney. Do the editors of The Stranger and Mr. Constant himself not realize that the commander in chief didn't pull the trigger himself? Do they not understand that Mr. Obama was standing on the shoulders of the giants who made all the difficult decisions over the course of a decade so that the current president could flounce in prettily and sing his own praises before a relieved nation? Mr. Constant: Stick to writing flowery prose about poetry, as you do this week in your little-read section.

BRENDAN KILEY follows Mr. Constant's politicized gibberish with a piece that stretches onward for thousands and thousands of words—a veritable Sahara of self-importance. It hinges on the "unfair" law enforcement agencies that shut down... an illegal speakeasy. O heartbreak! O unjust universe! I am certain that the fact that this speakeasy primarily operated mere dozens of feet from The Stranger's offices, or that The Stranger has written many positive things about the artist DK Pan, one of the characters in this whole sordid affair, has no bearing on Mr. Kiley's reportorial objectivity. And certainly Mr. Kiley did not encounter these unsavory characters when they protested at the 2008 Republican National Convention in Minneapolis, which Mr. Kiley attended while scribbling about... liberal protesters at the convention. In short, why is Mr. Kiley advocating for his friends in the space of The Stranger that is supposed to be free of monetary and compensatory influence? I await his response; hopefully it will be briefer than this pile of twaddle.

Elsewhere... CITY: Dominic Holden fights another arm of law enforcement (this one having to do with marijuana—try to control your shock)... VISUAL ART: Charles Mudede mistakes raw sewage for art... THEATER: Brendan Kiley has the nerve to criticize someone else for getting his facts wrong... CHOW: Bethany Jean Clement visits a restaurant selling $20 gyros (on The Stranger's dime) and piles up a bunch of adjectives trying to justify the expense... MUSIC: Didn't read... FILM: Didn't read... SAVAGE LOVE: Just another week of the dumbest column in America.