As if The Stranger weren't already stupid enough, this week the editors have seen fit to "dumb down" the deep-bore tunnel issue to a few "talking points." The prolix harangues against the tunnel already published in these pages evidently didn't make the paper's position clear enough. After all, what about readers with mental disabilities? "I want this to be so dumb a mole rat would get it!" someone evidently shouted at DOMINIC HOLDEN, who then scribbled out this sloppy, vulgar, one-sided political mailer disguised as an article. Meanwhile, someone overseeing the cover had the bright idea to depict a line of cars driving off a cliff—a rather remarkable mixing of metaphors if I've ever seen one. Dear powers that be: A bridge and a tunnel are not the same thing.

Elsewhere, PAUL CONSTANT pens a feature essay about his sepia-toned young adulthood when he worked for Borders, a retailer that is now going out of business, and spends a good portion of the essay bragging about how he saw their demise coming. The corporation's missteps are worthy of dissection, but instead of anything resembling journalism, we are treated to this bizarre mixture of socialist agitprop and overly nostalgic, self-important drivel. Later on, in the CHOW section, Mr. Constant rails incoherently against corporations for yet another thousand words, using sandwiches as his metaphor. Yes, sandwiches.

As for the rest of the issue...

NEWS: First we have ELI SANDERS explaining every brain-numbingly dull rule of "slacklining," which is apparently some sort of tightrope-walking game for vagrants. This can only be described as an all-out assault on his readers' attention spans. Then GOLDY continues his assault on the suburbs. Mr. Goldstein: I assure you that they are not trying to steal your precious buses. Suburbanites have magnificent new inventions called automobiles that they use for personal transit, and they are getting tired of funding your "mass transit" (read: germ- and-filth-spreading devices) with illegal taxes and other insane surcharges on their vehicles.

BOOKS: CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE cheerleads for a cesspool of illegal activity disguised as a newsletter for angry teenagers.

THEATER: There isn't enough time in the day for CHARLES MUDEDE on opera.

VISUAL ART: Too gay.

FASHION: Take a stroll through The Stranger's offices on any given day and tell me if the parade of burlap and polyester hanging on the mottled, misshapen bodies of the employees doesn't make the idea of a fashion column in this rag a laugh riot.

MUSIC: KELLY O apparently likes her music loud and dumb, which, coincidentally, is how The Stranger apparently likes Kelly O.

FILM: Skipped it.

SPORTS BLOTTER: Skipped it.

SAVAGE LOVE: Skipped it.