HAROLD BLOOM

You'll have to get your sorry virtual ass online to find anything in the way of readings today. This Internet event, hosted by Barnes & Noble, will feature our foremost intellectual blowhard discussing his newest Shakespeare-obsessed polemic, How to Read and Why. The press release reads: "At a time when faster and easier electronic media threaten to eclipse reading and literature, [Bloom] is here to explain how to read and why." IRONY! www.bn.com (use "Chats & Events" link), 4 pm, free.

HARRY POTTER #4 RELEASE PARTY

Adults with severe Peter Pan syndrome and parents willing to let their kids stay up way past bedtime are invited to join the professional bookworms at Bailey/Coy in celebrating the much-anticipated release of the latest title in J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. There will be cake, balloons, prizes, and "possibly" a visit by a magician. Whoo-hoo! (The new book will be sold at a discount of 20% during this event.) Bailey/Coy Books, 414 Broadway E, 323-8842, midnight, free.

J. A. JANCE

Devil's Claw is Jance's eighth novel in the Joanna Brady mystery series: This time around, Brady must prepare for her upcoming marriage, deal with her delusional 12-year-old daughter, and cope with meddling mom--as well as solve two murders on the side (one of a close friend). This is a benefit event, with half of the evening's proceeds from the sale of Jance's book benefiting the YWCA. Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 633-3300, 6:30 pm, free.

*JEZEBELLE 2000

Jez 2000 is an independent trio of touring writers/performers from NYC, all of whom adhere to the guiding philosophy contained in something called the "Glam Lit Manifesto." Each artist will be promoting a forthcoming new title due out with an independent press: poet Elena Georgiou will versify from Mercy Mercy Me, fiction writer Lauren Sanders will read selections from Kamikaze Lust, and spoken word performer Cheryl B. will undoubtedly do something interesting with New York Girl. (For more information see www.jezebelle2000.com.) Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main, 624-6600, 7:30 pm, advance free tickets available at store.

DEBRENA JACKSON GANDY

Gandy, a local writer and seminar leader, will read from and discuss her new work, All the Joy You Can Stand: 101 Sacred Power Principles for Making Joy Real in Your Life. "Sister Debrena shifts the reader's gears from conditioned time-lock living to better energy or life force management that will enhance your joy ratio," chirps Dr. Gwendolyn Godsby Grant. "Oh, what joy will flood your soul after reading this book. Amen; or, for gender inclusion, awomen." (Joy ratio? Life force management? Who are these people, and from what obnoxious planet do they come?) Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main, 624-6600, 3 pm, advance free tickets available at store.

PETER DONAHUE

Rabid nationalist Fyodor Dostoyevsky once accused his fellow novelist Ivan Turgenev--who had recently fled czarist Russia--of writing about his homeland while peering through a telescope. What Dostoyevsky failed to understand is that leaving a place is sometimes the only way of grasping its deepest qualities. Former Seattle resident and current Birmingham, Alabama-based writer Donahue has published a book of telescopic short stories, The Cornelius Arms, set largely in our sorry little excuse for a metropolis. Peter Bacho says that Donahue's collection grants readers a "rare view of this city beneath its smug, prosperous facade.... [Donahue's] prose is sometimes subtle, sometimes vivid, but always appropriate." It's about time somebody blew the roof off this shithole. Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main, 624-6600, 7:30 pm, advance free tickets available at store.

HARRY POTTER #4 PARTY

Release party for the much-anticipated fourth title in J. K. Rowling's hit series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 633-3300, 10 am, free.

MARK MACKAY, PAMELA MOORE DIONNE, CHUCK SMART

This "Blow-Out Poetry Bash Finale" formally signals the end of the Second Sunday Literary Series--after this, Second Sunday "will evolve to publishing." MacKay is a poet and visual artist whose work is currently being featured in the literary salon at the Amy Burnett Gallery; Dionne and Smart have a decade-long working relationship combining spoken work and percussion as "soundscapes." Amy Burnett Gallery, 402 Pacific Ave, Bremerton, 360-373-3187, 2 pm, free.

DAVID LONG

Billy Collins says of Long's latest work of fiction, The Daughters of Simon Lamoreaux, "From the question mark of its opening riddle to the exclamation point of its final revelation, [Daughters...] sustains an ability to hold its reader hostage. A story of two strangers in the night on a quest to understand first the past, then one another, [it] is a tense, deeply nocturnal tale of intrigue, smartly written and always true to the essential mysteriousness of experience." Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main, 624-6600, 7:30 pm, advance free tickets available at store.

*MICHELLE TEA

See Stranger Suggests. Bailey/Coy Books, 414 Broadway E, 323-8842, 7 pm, free.

PETER DONAHUE

See Saturday listing. University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400, 7 pm, free.

FRAN DORF

Publishers Weekly, in a starred review (meaning it's a really good book), called Dorf's Saving Elijah "a compelling page-turner that turns a family tragedy into a spellbinding novel of psychological suspense, and meditates with honesty and insight on the nature of parental love and responsibility." Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 633-3300, 7 pm, free.

*RIZ ROLLINS

Seattle's most beloved DJ addresses the recent "flat-lining" of this city's once-diverse culture, from the collapse of Loose Groove Records to the terrifying fact that "there is now a radio station that just plays '80s music." How did this happen? Rollins' presentation, titled "Let's Get This Party Started Right," proposes solutions to the potential homogenization of the local arts scene. Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 322-7030, 7 pm, $5/$3 upstairs pass holders.

PANEL DISCUSSION: "THE ROLE OF MOTHERS IN FICTION"

Authors/writers Karen Karbo (Motherhood Made a Man out of Me), Whitney Otto (How to Make an American Quilt), and Laura Kalpakian (Steps and Exes) answer the questions posed by Jane Smiley's essay, "Can Mothers Think?" University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400, 7 pm, free.

*MICHELLE TEA

See Stranger Suggests. OK Hotel, 212 Alaska Way S, 621-7903, 9 pm, $7.

PAT MURPHY

Nebula Award-winning author of There and Back Again reads as part of the Clarion West summer series. Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main, 624-6600, 7:30 pm, $4/$3 students & seniors.

JANET EVANOVICH

Mystery writer Evanovich returns with another Stephanie Plum thriller, Hot Six. Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 633-3300, 7 pm, free.

RIDLEY PEARSON

Pearson returns with Middle of Nowhere, a new thriller featuring fictional Seattle Police Chief Lou Boldt. Bill Ott of ALA Booklist claims that Pearson "moves the ground from under readers' feet more skillfully and more believably than any of his fellow writers," and Publishers Weekly says that the latest book "packs all of [Pearson's] usual wallop: it boasts simmering suspense, a plot with a level of detail that comes only from painstaking research, and dynamic chemistry between Boldt and his colleagues and family." Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main, 624-6600, 5 pm, advance tickets available at store; Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 633-3300, 7:30 pm, free.

*PAULINA BORSOOK

Publishers Weekly hailed Borsook's book, Cyberselfish: A Critical Romp Through the Terribly Libertarian Culture of High Tech as "a welcome corrective to the gung-ho chronicles of the new economy." It's about time someone revealed this digital gold rush for what it is--a crock of shit! Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main, 624-6600, 7:30 pm, advance tickets available at store.

HEATHER DROHAN

Reading and signing by the author of False Alarm, "a funny, irreverent look at a woman trying to do it all in the men's world of sports management." University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400, 7 pm, free.