Thanks to copious drug use, no one at The Stranger is any good at waking up in the morning, much less knowing how to dress when we do. The office uniform is a paisley muumuu, which is decidedly not rock 'n' roll (unless you're Meat Loaf). So to learn how to dress like a hot-shit Pitchfork-rated music-blog phenom, we turned to Pho-Banger Ursula Android, Seattle's authority on how not to look bad.

"All you need to be wearing to be a successful musician is antiviral topical ointment and a medical-alert bracelet," says Android. "But I do know that PVC culottes are big with the goth soccer-mom contingent right now."

Whether or not you live in Georgetown with all the other goth soccer moms, you can easily replicate this look for your band (for cheap!) with a quick midnight construction-site raid.

But what if you're more beat-oriented than darkness-and-minivan crazy?

"Hillbilly hiphop is totally about to drop, like for realzz. Lots of baggy gingham basketball shorts and lace do-rags. It's cozy, yet legit. Kind of street smarts meets, 'Take me home, country roads...'"

According to Android, it's definitely important not to look like you're trying too hard. She looks to Jan Terri, the homely "outsider art musician" for inspiration.

"I define her style as extreme Middle-American realness. It's fierce—and crucial in these over-stylist-driven times." Pop musicians should look no further than the London Bridge–tender herself. "Maybe I like Fergie, too," Android says. "Pissing one's pants used to be the fashion domain of frat boys, infants, and incontinents. I'm so glad she's liberated it for the rest of us divas."

There really is no such thing as going too far in the quest to look hot. "A fashion-forward friend of mine recently wore a very interesting teal party dress to a function at Chop Suey," Android says. "She then set the dress on fire repeatedly." This is the apex of current rock star fashion: Light yourself on fire; ask questions later.

There's one question remaining: Is the slightly music-related fashion nemesis of Seattle reemerging in the mainstream? Is grunge coming back?

Says Android, "It's coming back in this awesome, completely internalized way, where everybody wears brand-new expensive clothing and goes for waxing and mani/pedis, but their souls are completely dilapidated, patchwork, filthy throw rags! It's super sexy. I think Marc Jacobs will have Dakota Fanning launch this look! Oh my god!"