While the Canadian government will most often turn a blind eye to a slight indiscretion with da kine bud (that is, if you're toting an amount small enough for personal use, with no real resale value), the U.S. border has become tighter than a new bride. Paranoid U.S. customs officials have taken to staging "block blitzes," in which every car entering the U.S. is pulled over and searched, and the smallest amount of marijuana could land you in hot water. Not only does this wreak havoc with the already stupefying wait and eternal lines at the Peace Arch, it also makes sneaking a few pounds of easy money back into the repressive ol' U.S. of A. a real bitch.
According to Sgt. Steve DeFries of the Northwest Regional Task Force, 29 arrests were made in the first three months of the DEA's crackdown on the Canada-U.S. border; including a sweet little old grandma and grandpa (both in their 70s) who were toting a whopping 20 lbs. of the stuff in their trunk. A younger couple with two toddlers in the back seat were busted, too, with a full duffel bag o' ganja nestled snuggly between the kids. Add to these the guy who tried to kayak his stash into U.S. waters, and the daring young Wazzu student who tried to literally run duffel bags of pot through the Peace Arch, and you have some pretty dim bulbs fucking it up for the rest of us.
But don't despair! Where there is a will, there is a way, and there's still plenty of opportunity for the would-be smuggler to cash in -- if he or she plans ahead, keeps calm, and follows a few simple guidelines!
First of all, avoid the obvious. Everyone and their monkey has rolled their stash in plastic wrap and stuffed it in their shampoo bottle, deodorant, or even their radiator. Not only will these obvious choices be the first items searched if you are actually pulled over, but the noses of those drug dogs are keen as mustard, and can often sniff out a gram no matter how cleverly concealed! And even if you did manage to skirt through, hiding your pot in your Paul Mitchell would never yield enough to turn an actual profit, even if you used the industrial gallon size.
Take it across the Ho Chi Minh Trail! The Peace Arch isn't your only option -- the Canadian-American border is the longest undefended border in the world! A particularly lucrative spot is an unmanned stretch east of Blaine, Washington, running along the 49th parallel. This little patch of thick woods and winding trails is nicknamed "0 Avenue" (a.k.a. the Ho Chi Minh Trail, due mostly to the fact that pot AND illegal Vietnamese aliens are smuggled into the U.S. here in equal amounts). Although rumor has it the DEA is trying to crack down on this heavenly little stretch of smuggler paradise -- going as far as installing motion detectors in the weeds and staking out the bushes -- according to Royal Canadian Mounted Police Corporal Scott Rintoul, most of these smugglers never get caught!
Stick it in your ass! While frowned upon by some, it is a method definitely worth considering. While the odd strip-search isn't unheard of, actual body cavity searches are rarer than hens' teeth. Depending upon the elasticity, or lack thereof, of your various sphincters, you could safely and quietly carry a fortune home in your colon! Some people -- and I won't name names! -- could really make a killing!
Don't use your car! If you want to move a large amount (several pounds) across, remember this: Vehicles used in the commission of a drug crime often become property of the state. So we suggest borrowing your Aunt Polly's car.
Plant it in the car ahead of you! The long wait at the border can really be a blessing: It often gives you more than ample time to get out of your car, stretch your legs, and rub some resin back and forth across the trunk of the car in front of you. Or even better, go say a neighborly "howdy do!" and casually sprinkle some leaves in their passenger window. The drug dogs'll nab them for sure, and while the agents are busy ripping their car apart, you can speed through free as a bird!
Put it in a dead dog! Canada has no shortage of dead house pets, and they can often be had for the asking! Telling the border guard a touching tale of how good ol' Rex was tragically mowed down during your Canadian vacation (sob!) will explain away any questions about the roadkill in your trunk, and no one will ever suspect the 15 pounds of red hair sewn up in the carcass! Tell 'em you are bringing the body back to the States for burial (your boy Billy will be just heartbroken if you didn't!), and even if they refuse to let you cross with it, hey! Who's gonna rip the dead thing open and find you out?
