School Guide

Dear Pupils, A Note from Your Princi"pal"

"A's" the E-Z Way

Surviving the Shoot-Out

Let's Choose a Mascot

School Uniforms: Where "Style" Meets "Safety"

Drop and Give Me 20 Ways to Get Involved in Sports

A "Sexy" Student is a Happy Student

"Don't You Do It!"

Senior Popularity: Your Last Chance

Back to School Guide for the Gays

Banned Books: It's a Good Idea

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but I guess it took Donny McIvey sawing off a couple of pinkies in wood shop for Principal Humphrey to finally come around to the facts. Though I've been saying it for—oh, five years now?—I guess we see that all this "We need more programs to teach kids they're worth something" bullsnot isn't going to keep anyone from pulling a machine gun in the middle of 4th hour geography class.

Oh, sure, Humphrey laughed—laughed at my proposal to put all teachers in bulletproof pods, but tell me this: Who's laughing now? Not the dead teachers, that's for sure! Because they're too busy being DEAD. However, your principal finally realized you can't fight school terrorism with "hugs" and a bunch of "goodie-goodie" counseling sessions where all you do is sit around and talk about "feelings." Well, take it from me, I've been to 'Nam twice, and "feelings" get you KILLED! What we needed—and what we finally have—are more of the kind of reasonable security measures that make sense in a school/ war zone like ours.

At my recommendation, Humphrey called New Mexico's Sandia Labs—one of the finest research facilities in the country—for a consultation. Remember the atom bomb? They did that. Plus, they look after some of the most dangerous, highly secret nuclear facilities in the world. They've got the inside track on all the latest technologies, so they know how to keep people from going ballistic! Anyway, when I heard these specialists had gotten into the school security game, I said "Let's rumble!" and we enrolled in their highly acclaimed "New Times, New Crimes" program. Naturally, they were aghast when they saw our school, but they came up with a security plan, pronto—one that will protect us inside and out! Then it was a simple matter of working our asses off all summer to install the equipment. Hell, I've got blisters on my thumbs the size of quarters from hanging all 147 of our security cameras! But that's fine by me—like they say, better thorough than DEAD.

I know some of you aren't going to like all the gadgetry and added restrictions, but believe me—I DON'T CARE. However, if you do have a question or complaint, you might as well come see me about them. We've converted the principal's office into a studio apartment, where I now live full time. Just remember (and this is very important), don't come in without knocking, especially if I'm watching my favorite show (that would be King of the Hill), because I'm packin', and sometimes my night-vision goggles don't work so good. Anyway, below you will find a detailed list of the many changes we have made this year, and with just a little bit of teamwork we can hopefully cut our death rate in half. Have a great 1999-2000!

*No Smoking
The smoking door has been nailed shut. Now, when you walk down the hall near the auto shop department, you're not greeted by a cloud of cigarette smoke, but by a cheerful kiosk selling school memorabilia, including T-shirts, pom-poms, and ceramic busts of Humphrey's head (I'm hoping to have my own bust next year). They don't sell cigarettes, though! So don't ask! Note: All items purchased at the kiosk will be kept in my office and given to you at the end of the day after you exit the school building.

* Drug Testing
Think you can skate by with red eyes and a bad attitude? Think again! Every student is required to submit to daily drug testing. We've got both hair analysis and chemical "swab" tests, so don't think you can beat the system. Because You Can't! We're also looking into ordering a device from Sandia called a Mobility Spectrometer. About the size of a vacuum cleaner, it "sniffs" students, bags, cars, and anything else we want for drug residue and gunpowder vapor. We've cut marching band and all extracurricular clubs to pay for this $50,000 device.

* The Teachers Have Guns
Hey kids, leave those teachers alone! All teachers, lunchroom workers, bus drivers, and janitors are now armed with 9mm Glock semi-automatic handguns (except Mr. Edwards, who didn't pass the background check), and are trained in martial arts. Reasons to shoot include aiming a gun at a student (this includes freshmen!) or teacher, running away when you've clearly been told to stop, and failing to complete your homework three times in one month. Martial arts will be used on an "as needed" basis. If you feel you've been beaten or shot unjustifiably, please see me.

* Windows Have Been Removed
You'll notice all windows have been removed and replaced with cement blocks. Nobody can shoot you from outside if they can't see you! And you can't shoot anyone from inside if you can't see them! If you have trouble breathing, please see me.

* No More Chemicals
We've removed all chemicals from the science labs, and all experiments will now be conducted using Play-Doh, straws, water, and tape.

* Security Staff
We've made a few additions to the security staff. With 1,500 students, I was tired of trying to keep the peace all by myself! A couple of the younger janitors have been deputized, and we've hired an undercover security agent (a former Navy Seal! Just try fucking with him, you little bastards!). You'll also become intimately familiar with Kojak and Cannon, our top-flight security dogs. They'll be looking for contraband, drugs, and trouble. They'll even let me know if you're smoking cigarettes, so don't… you… do it! Note: For a small fee, students can hire a personal bodyguard as part of our new "Hall Buddy™" program. Too bad they don't do homework, too, huh? Ha. Just kidding.

* Metal Detectors
The main entrance to the school has been equipped with turnstile-type metal detectors (like at shopping malls), which stop turning when they come across something suspicious. Students who are stopped will have to use a side entrance, where they will be x-rayed, sniffed, and probed for weapons and contraband. We're hoping to update this system next year, with a little invention underway from the National Institute of Justice that will detect a gun, knife, or even a pen by radar, from up to 60 feet away!

* Lockers No More
Wondering where your locker is? It's in the dump with all the others. Those metal boxes were nothing but trouble—full of drugs and weapons. And leave your bags at home, too. Students are not allowed to store or carry anything with them at any time on school property. Teachers will issue paper and pencils at the beginning of each class and collect them at the end. Same with textbooks. It is YOUR responsibility to purchase a second "home version" of each of your textbooks, if you plan on doing any studying at home, which I know you don't.

* We're Watching You
You'll notice there have been cameras installed in all classrooms, hallways, restrooms, the cafeteria, and other congregating areas. They are monitored by me 24 hours a day (except when King of the Hill is on). Everything you do will be taped, so if you're considering fucking around, don't… you… do it! We've even planted some hidden cameras, which are also monitored. By the way, our school wouldn't have the benefit of this wonderful camera system if it weren't for the "YouWantIt Marketing Company," which helped fund the cameras in return for being able to view the tapes and study your purchasing habits. Kudos, guys!

* Flame-Retardant
Everything is now fireproof, even the food.

* Special IDs
Every student has been issued a photo ID, necessary to enter school grounds, purchase lunches, and check out books. All classrooms have been outfitted with "card-swipe machines" at the door—you MUST run your card through the machine to get into class. Just so you know, the machines automatically mark attendance and keep a nice, ongoing tally of your whereabouts throughout the day. Computer thefts will also be easily trackable (You hear that, Rhonda?), because we can tell who's been in the lab should any machines just happen to "walk off."

We've Got Spirit!