After much staff discussion, student polling, and parent conferencing, I—your beloved Home Economics instructor—and Principal Humphrey, have come to a snap decision: Stranger Prep will be donning uniforms! With all the silly death threats flying back and forth between "goths," "preps," "punkies," "heathens," and "gays," it seems this potential violence could be easily eradicated if everyone was wearing the exact same outfit. If we learn anything from cheerleaders (hi girls!), it's how wearing the same outfit can make one mind-numbingly happy!
"Going uniform" has been a longtime dream for me. Every year, I wistfully imagine our institution winning a National School Uniform Award (NSUA) in categories such as "Best Polyester-Wool Combo at a Mixed-Use School" or "Finest Embroidery on a School Cap." It could happen, you know! Being ranked third for "most dangerous school" simply means we are a "Top 10" kind of people. And, in my mind, stylish uniforms are the way to get us there! Just look at what this year's school "fashion" has in store for you!
School Uniforms for Seniors
Boys: You will be outfitted in the fashionable and functional Stranger Prep Pin-Stripe Blue-Gray Jumper. I read in a magazine recently that you kids find jumpers "fly as fishing"! Well then lads, you'll be glad to know these jumpers are made from special non-flammable wool (just in case Donny McIvey decides to play with matches again). The Senior Jumper was influenced and made by actual inmates from the Walla Walla Correctional Facility, and with 50 percent of you (that would be the vocational students) on your way to a career in Maximum Lock-Up, wearing this uniform will be a real taste of things to come!
Girls: A-Shaped Blue-Gray Poly-Blend Jumpers with elastic waists. We made it elastic for all your shape-shifting habits (e.g., anorexia, bulimia, binging). In addition, since we can't have our "oranges loose in the store"—if you know what I mean—this jumper is specially designed to flatten and confine the perkiest of breasts.
School Uniforms for Juniors
Boys: There's a rumor going around that 10 percent of you want to look like Ricky Martin! On top of that, there's another rumor that 10 percent of you are gay! I'm not going to put two and two together here (I'm not the math teacher), but I can tell you naughty boys: I won't have you looking that way! Fortunately for you, Juniors, your uniform is about dispelling such flamboyant rumors. You'll be wearing Desert Tan Canvas Jumpers with a manly-looking faux tool belt.
Girls: See Senior Girls, especially the part about binding perky breasts. Your color combo is Burgundy with Tan Embroidery (Remember: Burgundy is best for the class with the most period mess).
School Uniforms for Sophomores
Boys: Since this grade gets picked on almost as much as freshmen, you get the "Camouflage" Jumper. First, we take in the waist a little and tighten the pants. We box the shoulders with a little polyurethane padding, and line the pants with lead for warmth and thickness. Just think: You'll look like a football player in the jungle during a war! Oh, and remember—wearing the optional bulletproof vest is an easy way to bulk up.
Girls: As far as I can see, you don't have any "oranges in the store," so in your case, we'll go with a simple yet frumpy A-line skirt and starched white shirt. NOTE: Don't think I haven't noticed that the current "teen style" is plagued with butterflies and glitter. This is NOT safe accessorizing, and will NOT be tolerated. The glitter can be blinding, and someone could choke and die on those butterfly hair clips.
School Uniforms for Freshmen
Boys: I'm afraid for your vulnerability as freshmen, so I am making it a requirement that, in addition to your Standard-Issue Purple Jumper, you wear a helmet—especially if Billy "The Brick" Brickman is released from juvie this year.
Girls: Sack Jumpers in Dusty Rose or Petal Pink. You've got to wear the helmet, too—a stray bullet knows no gender. And because you're especially susceptible to pregnancy during this year at Stranger Prep, the sack jumper will hide away any secret you're trying to keep, until it isn't a problem anymore.