by Demetrius Placidus

I'm guessing that when God first created higher education, He probably didn't envision Seattle University as the ultimate result of His work. Not that it's a bad school--just an expensive and mediocre one. The tuition (just south of 20 grand) is way too much for what is essentially another four years of high school. And while the school supposedly has a good reputation and your degree might impress people, if you actually wanted to be challenged, you should have worked harder in high school (you loser) and gotten into a place with higher standards. It's not all bad though: The school's not nearly as religious as everyone seems to think, and the grading system is heavenly in its mercy and forgiveness.

If it resembles anything in the Bible, it's the town of Sodom before it got smote. Seattle U. is fag city; for some reason it attracts a lot of gays, and it's small enough for everyone to get to know each other. It's easy to meet people to bro down with or to date, so you'll have a good time if you're queer--as long as you don't mind that eventually everyone sleeps with everyone else.

I was never a good student but I got decent grades, so I can testify to what you can get away with, and it's a lot. Don't do the reading if you don't feel like it, and do a shitty job on your papers--it doesn't really matter. You can always get up early to type a five-page essay before class, or you can tell the teacher you need a little more time. Don't feel bad about fighting dirty. One foxy girl I knew would ask her male professors for an extension on her papers by e-mail, prefacing her requests with "I just got out of the shower..." If you're really dedicated to dodging your homework, there's no reason why you should do more than a couple hours a week, leaving you plenty of time to do these things:

Get the fuck off campus and make off-campus friends.
A good number of the people in any large group are going to be lame, and the students at Seattle U. are no exception. Improve the odds of finding fun people by selecting from a group larger than the student body. A part-time job at a coffee shop or movie theater can help you do this, and you'll make some money on the side.

Appreciate the amazing midcentury furniture in the library.
Don't go to the library to read; they don't have a good collection of books. But take a walk around and you'll see the pieces I'm talking about. They're scattered all over the place, but the ground floor is the best: lush lime-green leather on the benches and segmented black couches that combine low tables with seats. They're sleek and industrial and their colors suggest fluorescent undersea rescue equipment or gastric juices. It's amazing!

Brace yourself for depression.
The lack of stimulation, the gray climate, and the cramped dorms create an atmosphere that pulls people under. There are free counselors at the school, and if they don't come through, there's St. Johnswort at the QFC only blocks away. Try to go to parks (Madison Park, the Arboretum) or pleasant neighborhoods (Leschi, Georgetown). Drink to socialize if you don't feel like socializing, but don't start drinking alone. And don't smoke too much pot or the dorms will seem uglier than they are.

Have a good time.
It's difficult but not impossible at Seattle U. If you leave campus as often as you can and don't take the schoolwork too seriously, the next four years will fly by.

Demetrius Placidus is a recent SU graduate.