School Guide

Dear Pupils, A Note from Your Princi"pal"

School Security

"A's" the E-Z Way

Surviving the Shoot-Out

Let's Choose a Mascot

School Uniforms: Where "Style" Meets "Safety"

Drop and Give Me 20 Ways to Get Involved in Sports

A "Sexy" Student is a Happy Student

"Don't You Do It!"

Back to School Guide for the Gays

Banned Books: It's a Good Idea

So you didn't make the cheerleading squad, aren't athletically or academically inclined, and the summer between junior and senior year didn't bestow you with Jennifer Lopez's ass—don't start donning your late brother's black trench coat just yet! You've still got all of fall semester to board the popularity float, and then ride it through the final semester all the way to graduation. Your motto: It's Now or Never—and never is no longer an option!

The Golden Rule of Last Chance Popularity: Decide what you are good at and make it a hot commodity.

Do you give good head, but you've been eclipsed by the school slut? Then start blowing guys in the neighboring school zone, and dethrone that school's reigning oral queen. By refusing to fellate anyone at your own school, you will drive up your home-turf desirability. Word of mouth travels fast, my friend, especially during football season when rivalry is fresh.

Are you funny, but your comedic abilities are forever in the shadow of the class clown? Good news: By senior year, your classmates have discovered the tragic motivation behind the class clown's comic timing, and they've become decidedly creeped out by it. His jokes just aren't funny anymore, and now's your time to step in and provide fresh laffs that won't have the time to hang around and rot.

Are you a Gemini? If so, start a scandal sheet, because you have the ability to be mean and funny at the same time—and what better way to exploit that gift than to rat on everybody around you… but in an entertaining way. You'll be amazed how much people love gossip—anyone who tries to tell you differently is full of crap. True, many people don't actively gossip, but everybody will passively gossip by reading the printed accounts of your student body's misdeeds and embarrassments, provided by you. They can't help it! There's nothing easier than turning a minor stair-stumble into a hilarious honkfest of flailing limbs and revealed panties. Hide in the bathroom and out the bulimic homecoming queen—sure everyone's guessed, but provide them with the unflinching truth! Check the wastepaper can for crumpled personal notes directly after class, and print them for all to see. Volunteer for attendance duty and print the day's most embarrassing or badly forged excuses. Soon people will come to you with gossip, so long as you swear to never ever reveal a source. By December 20, half the school may hate you, but by January 2, they'll be itching for your latest issue.

Know how to get a hold of an M-80? Assuming you don't get expelled, a little non-violent explosion goes a long way toward upping your entertainment cred, and entertainment equals popularity.

Does your dad's cool kid-brother work at a convenience store? If so, you can find popularity in less than a week by becoming The Person Who Can Buy Alcohol.

Develop a catch phrase and then use it every time someone gets sent to the principal's office. I once had a dweeby classmate who became popular for loudly offering the arcane advice "Don't take any wooden nickels" every time someone made the walk of shame out the class door. He got bonus popularity points when his quip earned him his own trip to the principal's office—as he left, the entire class affectionately crowed, "Don't take any wooden nickels!"

Are you a practical joker? If so, stop terrorizing your family and devote your talents toward humiliating your teachers. Sample: A simple length of surgical hose filled with water and concealed up the sleeve becomes an invisible super-soaker to spray on the chalkboard whenever the teacher's back is turned to write on it. He/she turns around to see who did it; you look appropriately innocent. The teacher resumes writing, you do it again and again until you finally get caught. You go to the principal's office, but the class is entertained and you become popular in the process. vFinally, there is fear. If you are not strong enough to beat the holy shit out of the class bully, funny enough to entertain the masses, or talented enough to satisfy the entire varsity football squad—and that of your rival school—in one season, then becoming the Person with the Most Developed Weaponry is your final option. Fear equals popularity, and though you might not live to enjoy the fanfare, your notoriety will last forever.

We've Got Spirit!