To my valued customers:
Welcome to my "home away from home"! I opened Shirley O'Szyzmyjec's Celebrity Drinketeria ("Shirley O's" to all you regulars!) in 1998, using the profits gleaned from my popular back-page gossip column in The Stranger newspaper. Seems not only does all of Seattle want to read about our local celebrities... they want to drink them too! I developed this unique menu of designer drinks with Seattle's cognoscenti in mind... and if you don't know what that word means, you're not one of them. Get out of my restaurant! To the rest of you... cheers!
Dale Chihuly - $1,235,000
In honor of Seattle's most famous fat, one-eyed artist.
Our legions of apprentices mix Cap'n Morgan spiced rum with steaming hot bath water, and serve it all up in a gigantic, unusable hand-blown goblet. Overpriced.
The Mr. X - $00.39
In honor of Seattle's randiest TV news reporter.
A fruity mash guaranteed to make you feel like shit tomorrow morning. We lovingly blend Hornitos tequila, Scoresby's blended scotch whiskey, Hot Damn 100 cinnamon schnapps... uh, and rum... vodka, gin... hell, throw everything in! Why not! Then we mix in wrinkled prunes, fermented raspberries, and naîve young kumquats. Everything is left to soak in a cantaloupe until it's just beginning go south... that's when this eclectic mélange is at its best! Here's one drink you've gotta be wasted to order!
The Jean Enersen - $5.00
In honor of KING 5's venerable anchorwoman-- who does the job not because she has to, but because she wants to.
Our most popular "women's drink"! Simply: Grey Goose French vodka plus Perma Frost 100 proof peppermint schnapps, served chilled... with an onion. Comes in a lovely ladylike pony glass which--conveniently--fits perfectly in your purse!
Mariners' Punch - $500 million (price goes up daily)
In honor of Seattle's major league baseball team.
Smooth 'n' sassy Black Velvet and Ron Bacardi's finest 151 Puerto Rican rum (the bottle's a little damaged--sorry, no price break!) give this house specialty a real kick! We water it down with five gallons of Gatorade™ and serve it in about a dozen defective pitchers. Our ornery waiters will laugh when they hand you the bill--or else they're fired!
The Bill Gates - $89.95 (customers are required to buy one of these in order to drink anything else)
In honor of God, himself.
Our crack lawyers begin with a hostile takeover of all the liquor in the house, then we toss it all in the blender, where the ingredients are pulverized until unrecognizable. For a special touch we rock the Bill Gates incessantly for 2-1/2 hours, and before serving, top it off with several infuriating bugs. Drink it all yourself--no sharing! Don't enjoy!
The Bill Radke - $9.49
In honor of our city's least offensive humorist.
We start with Remy Martin's exquisite XO cognac--then everything goes to hell when we stir in flat cream soda, weak coffee, and chicken bouillon. The Bill Radke is topped off with stale oyster crackers and served tepid--just the way you like it!
The John Carlson - $2.95 (available to select customers only; check with your server for exclusions)
In honor of the Eastside's most conservative crusader for justice.
A bland--oops! I mean blend of pristine white rum, snowy skim milk, and pure vanilla, with just a hint of Ivory liquid. Comes topped with shredded American cheese, and served in a shallow "think tank.
"The Paul Allen - ??? (if you have to ask, you can't afford it!)
In honor of the boy with the most toys.
When you order this house specialty, "Jimi Hendrix" comes to your table and makes a big production of spiking your drink with "LSD"! Sit back in your extra-wide comfy chair and "trip out" on this rich, exciting blend of Mr. Boston apricot brandy and Jell-O vanilla pudding, topped with three Jelly Belly® jellybeans--on the "rocks," of course!
The Q13 News Crew - $10 at 10
In honor of local TV's most fuckable news hour.
A glamorous drink buffet for special occasions. Comes with a "Blood & Guts" (chilled Baileys floated in strawberry schnapps... with a side of fresh meat), a Pink Lady (gin, cream, and grenadine), a nice Hawaiian Punch (vodka, amaretto, and cranberry)... plus a sparkling, fruity chaser to make it all go down eeeeasy.
The Shirley - on the house
In honor of your hostess.
Old Crow (or substitute the Famous Grouse brand) scotch whiskey, plus sour grapes and bitters. Served chilled. Very, very chilled.