Shooting Blanks

This Guy Will Take the Pill by Max Hepp-Buchanan

"I'm a week late, honey."

I've had enough pregnancy scares to know that I shouldn't panic when my girlfriend warns me I might be a father. Instead I quietly wait for her period to come, by myself, in a bar somewhere. Sometimes it can take weeks.

When I explain to people why I've been in the same bar for 10 days straight, they usually ask why my chick isn't on the pill--a valid question. While it's true that researchers continue to develop different and more convenient forms of hormonal birth control for women, each one works in more or less the same way. So it doesn't really matter if a particular girl is on a pill, patch, shot, implant, or scratch 'n' sniff sticker--if her body doesn't react well to synthetic hormones, she is going to experience undesirable side effects regardless of how they got there.

That's why some women, including my partner, don't do hormonal birth control. This puts my partner and me in a fairly unique situation; most women who use hormonal birth control don't have much of a problem with side effects. They can just kick back, enjoy the sex, and let their dude come inside them. Good for them--I'm sure it's a lot of fun. But I have to sheath my dick in a piece of latex before screwing the same person every night. Which seems ludicrous. I'm monogamous, STD-free, and sure as hell don't masturbate with a rubber glove, so why should I fuck with one?

So taking a male birth control pill is a no-brainer for me. Even if I weren't in a monogamous relationship, I would still take a hormonal contraceptive. As a guy, I'm intrigued by the idea of having some control over my own reproductive system.

Instead of preventing the growth and release of a single egg from the ovaries once a month, a male hormonal contraceptive will have to prevent the growth and release of millions of sperm from the testicles, each and every day. Men shooting blanks--those are going to be some powerful hormones. Will men suffer similar or worse side effects? Shrunken testicles, acne, hair loss, decreased sex drive? I'm not worried. The patriarchal world of medicine wouldn't do that to us. I'm confident that I can trust male researchers and doctors with my cock 'n' balls. The only side effects I'll be watching out for are a large increase in penis size and an ejaculation that could put a fire out.

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