Send your unsigned legible confessions and accusations of 400 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to "I, Anonymous," c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., Third Floor, Seattle WA 98122, or e-mail us at anonymous@thestranger.com.

Everybody was wrong about Kurt's last visit to rehab -- it was actually a success. Cobain got straight long enough to realize what he wanted: To play uncensored music, to own unlicensed firearms, to buy unadulterated heroin, and to make untaxed millions. In short, Kurt Cobain wanted to be a Libertarian.

The problem was, he wasn't very careful about his newfound political enlightenment. He charged the books about anarcho-capitalist theory on his personal credit card. Ditto renting the Ayn Rand movies. Almost instantly the supercomputers at the National Security Agency (the ones that monitor all credit card, telephone, and e-mail traffic nationwide) relayed the information to a select group of federal officers charged with preventing any rock 'n' roll political movement from forming.

Who is this group, exactly? When Buddy Holly started to play to big, racially mixed audiences, some of its agents "fixed" his airplane. When Jimi Hendrix started to talk about his "Sky Church" -- a movement combining rock, spirituality, and politics -- these operatives made some "changes" to his sleeping pills. But those were easy jobs: This same agency spent years conditioning Mark Chapman at a secret lab in Hawaii until he was ready for when John Lennon felt safe enough to re-enter public life. Those same unknowns had Cobain's murder handled by a former KGB team that specializes in making their work look like suicide.

Why? Because fellow musician Frank Zappa had already been contacted by party officials about running as a Libertarian when the Cobain hit was ordered. It was the fear of a "Cobain/Zappa" ticket for president, and the Libertarian movement it would generate, that led the dark powers in Washington, DC to have Kurt assassinated. Some even say Frank Zappa's later death (supposedly of cancer) was the work of this same shadowy outfit.

And that's who killed Kurt Cobain!

-- Anonymous

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Hey Anonymous Readers!

August is "Crackpot Kurt Cobain Murder Theory" month. Send in your hare-brained theory by August 31!