Secret Student Handbook 2006
This is it, fruitcake! SWEET FREEDOM! The moment you and your twisted libido have been slavering for since the day you popped that first bobbing boner in the eighth-grade gym showers (or something queerly similar) and realized, "Holy handballing ass hamsters! I'm a turd pounder!" (or something queerly similar). COLLEGE! Land of sweet reckless privilege! This is your big chance to wax as vivid and ripe as the fresh fruity fruit that you are. And, of course, to drink. And drink. And, most importantly, to drink. And to sodomize your freaking brains out. Splendid!
First, you must meet others and get laid. Capitol Hill is where this happens; it's (still) the unchallenged gay playground. Neighbours (1509 Broadway) has been getting The Gays laid for 23 years, and they have a new 18+ section just for you! Joe Bar (810 East Roy Street), Top Pot (609 Summit Avenue East), and Victrola (411 15th Avenue East) are the coffee shops that will get you more than caffeinated, and the Seattle LGBT Community Center (1115 East Pike Street) is a great resource for the civic-minded homo, and a good starting point.
But wait! There are some crucial points you must grasp before you dive headfirst into the cesspool of undergrad same-sex sodomy, and not all of them are the emergency 24-hour STD hotline number at Student Health. Pay attention!
You, the college-bound queers of Y2K06, stand at the terrible threshold of great gay change. Much is demanded of you. Not long ago, I simply would have advised you to dance, drink, fuck, wear condoms, wear condoms, wear condoms, and wear condoms. But this is no longer sufficient. If a thing is to survive, it must adapt, evolve, and reapply its lipstick occasionally, and that goes quadruple for godless queerdom. But luckily, godless queers are genetically progressive and biologically cutting edge, so the process should be an effeminate triple snap, snap, snap! Right?
WRONG! Change is inevitable, but evolution isn't. The spirit of the liberal gay '90s is now a lachrymose ghost. Many nascent homos are wandering mapless through this Bush-wrecked world of vaguely antagonistic straight men who pluck their fucking eyebrows and/or smashed "straight" girls always cunning each other's linguses. The smart, engaged, politically vigilant, meth-free homosexual seems a fossilized beast from an ancient era: a remnant of a Bushless past. Don't let this happen to you!
Wise and terrible evolutionary forces conspired for untold eons to make you queer. You hold a unique position in the evolutionary process! The transformative powers of the homosexual are unparalleled, and college is THE quintessential time for you to grasp this power with both gay hands and aim it like a laser cannon at the forces that would subdue you! It's up to YOU, young faggot, young dyke, and nobody else! YOU must be smarter, prettier, feistier, more creative, more incisive, more gloriously depraved, more intolerant of George W. Bushes of every sort, more focused, more united, and more politically vigilant than any queers in history have ever been! Your responsibility is no less than to save the fucking world—with a three-day hangover, a boner, finals pending, and flair. It's just the card you drew.
Welcome to college, faggot! We have faith in you! Wear condoms.