Hi. We're Bles and Emecks from Don't Talk to the Cops! Sometimes Trent plays drums for us. He went to King of the Hill grocery to get some chips, so we borrowed his computer for a minute. Trent had interviewed some band, or someone, or David Bowie, but it was all blah, blah, blah—what's it like to be so famous? And I married Iman. Sorry, Dave Bowie, we know you did "Ground Control Eats Major Tums" in outer space, and Labyrinth was pretty good—you looked snappy in the tight pants with the zucchini in there. We didn't mean to delete your interview, but it's the Fourth of July and we're gonna go ahead and make this a Don't Talk to the Cops! Firecracking Special. With safety and potato-chip tips.
Bles: Hey, Emecks, we're on the radio!! I mean, we're doing a column! Emecks: Yeah! What should we talk about? I think David Bowie would like the BRAND-NEW VIDEO for our song "Gimme That 80s Butt." Off our new album, Champions of Breakfast, that's already sold 12,351,000 copies. It's Butt-tastic.
B: Yes. We had the honor of filming some of the flyest ladies in the land. Look for cameos from Robert Vaughn, Space Bieber, and Danny McBride. It was filmed on Tupac Island. Should we expose the myth of Tupac Island? E: Everyone already knows about the island Tupac bought when he faked his own death, and that he put out 17 albums after he died to build up the island as an oasis for other rappers who faked their own death, like Tim Dog, Eazy-E, and Kross from Kris Kross. Also, talking about ourselves is lame. It's Fourth of July, let's talk about fireworks!
B: Like that time somebody shot you in the chest with a Roman candle in Lincoln Park? E: Yeah, Cuba Gooding Jr. was there, screaming "Riiiiickyyy." Safety tip #1: Aim Roman candles at the sky, not at your friends. Bles, remember that Fourth of July you made your dad's secret barbecue sauce and smoked a joint with the president?
B: That's tight. The president's tight. Weed's tight. Safety tip #2: Don't light fireworks from the joint in your mouth. You'll get fuse-burn. E: Trent needs to hurry up with our chips. We should have sent him to Canada to get All Dressed Ruffles. Those are the best chips. You don't know what flavor they are, but they're sooo good. They should call them Best Dressed.
E: So what kind of fireworks we got? B: Well, we have a few Rainbow Trouser Snakes, Mount Whistlers, Icy Ices, and Rambo Cannons. I got two Squealing Pigs. And some Claude Van Damn Sons!, some Evening Glories, and my favorite, the Kid 'n Play with Fire—they explode into flattop fades.
E: Don't forget those Pop, Lock & Drop-Its. B: And the Screamin' Jay Hawkinses, the Piccolo Steves, the Rick Steves, the Flaming Lips, Flaming Nips, and Flaming Chips. Where the hell is Trent with our Flaming Lime Cheetos?
E: You mean flamin' without the G. Flame IN. B: More like flamin' YAWN.
E: Shouldn't we be talking about something besides chips? B: Our country is 237 years old. We're young.
E: And Twinkies are finally coming back. Twinkies are back! B: And "Michael Jordan's 50," JUST LIKE OUR SONG SAYS. Click it and lick it.
E: What kind of drinks do we have for our Fourth of July party? B: Strong Killings gave us a 300-pack of Strawberritas. Tacocat brought us gallons and gallons of Mike's Hard Schnozzberry. I picked up some Bud Light Lime, and Wimps brought five Picante Chelada tall cans. They all go great with Twinkies and colorful explosions in the sky.
E: Isn't Larry's column around here? B: Yeah, it's like a page over or something.
E: Hey, Larry. LARRY! LARRY!!!! Over here! What's up??? B: I'm goin' Adventure Time on him. Larry, "Larry, look, a supermodel! Look, a hover board! Look, the apocalypse! Someone got hit in the boingloings... Hit in the boingloings... Boingloings... Somebody got hit in them."
E: He's not answering. Fuck him. We'll do his column next. His Philosophy is ignoring us. B: He's the Kool DJ Red Alert of Seattle. We love you, Larry.
E: What Wu-Tang Clan song should we play when our fireworks are going off? B: "Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthing ta Fuck Wit." It's kind of like "The Star- Spangled Banner."
E: How do fireworks work? B: It's all gunpowder and Fruity Pebbles cereal—there's a pasteboard filled with the combustible sugary cereal. Billy Dee Williams was one of the early firework inventors, before he did Soul Train. Such rocket technology has also been used for the delivery of mail, true story, and it's also used as propulsion for most model rockets.
E: I want to send my mail by fireworks. B: We call that one the Twizzling Pigeon. But seriously, kids, let's be careful out there, lighting shit off this year. Everyone wear two pairs of goggles, maybe. And when you light things, run away from them fast.
E: That's tight. Safety's tight. Weed's tight. B: Trent's coming. Hit save. Shout-out to Laos! Don't Talk to the Cops! Champions of Breakfast out now! Jlk$5jek**r^ (and now back to Trent's regular scheduled programming...)
Thanks for talking, David Bowie. That Ziggy Stardust story was crazy, with the gyroscope and the mustard on the Afghan hound. I can't believe you recorded a double album with the Ramones in 1981 and never told anyone until now! Say hello to Iman for me.