Here's a letter I just received:
"Dear Adrian, I just saw KOMO 4's weekend anchor at Foozles Book Store in the Auburn Supermall... I was so enchanted by his very presence that I accidentally walked out of the store with a book I hadn't paid for."
Here we have a nice, intelligent young man (well, intelligent enough to compose an e-mail message), and he is getting his poor little head all worked up over a common, twopenny newscaster! Heck, he didn't even know the guy's name, but the simple fact that he'd seen this person on TV so distracted my correspondent that he committed petty larceny.
I retired as The Stranger's gossip columnist months ago, and yet letters like this one still arrive. Why do countless twitterpated souls like our book thief write to me confessing their ridiculous behavior? I have a theory. I think they regret their initial reactions, and if given the chance to relive that magical moment when they stepped in fame, they would do things differently. Maybe our little book thief would've coolly introduced himself and slipped Mr. Anchor Boy his phone number. Maybe he would have followed him home like a lost puppy. Maybe he would have paid for the book. Whatever, what these folks who write me really want is a second chance--and gosh darn it, I've created this new column to give it to them!
So, you starstruck masses, this is your golden opportunity! Now you can not only share your brush with fame with the world, but you can also reach out to the unreachable--the stars themselves--and redeem your silly selves!
Tell Eddie Vedder how you're pining for his tattooed ass! Let Leslie Miller know you've been stalking her! Show John Curley the secrets of your innermost heart! Send your celebrity sightings and your personal messages to the stars to Celebrity I Saw U today! Take a chance!
Who knows? You might just end up bagging one of the beautiful people....