Mountain Con

& Saltine

(LIVE MUSIC) Mountain Con are in the unique position of appealing to the smart and stupid alike. But with all due respect, they still sound like the Dave Matthews Band, so they also appeal to people who aren't too discriminating about what goes in their ears. Mountain Con's frontman is more charismatic than dumpy Dave Matthews, and the band tempers its rootsiness with a DJ who spins beats and scratches. Sharing the bill are Saltine, who will bring in the smart music fan crowd, rounding out a decidedly pleasant and well-matched show. ERIN FRANZMAN

Crocodile Cafe, 2200 Second Ave, 441-5611, 9:30 pm, $6.

Stock Up!

(SHOPPING) You've been dorking around all December, and now you're scrambling to stock your Y2K-compliant bomb shelter. Chill out, Chicken Little -- start with the basics: water and non-perishable food to last three to seven days, flashlights and spare batteries, a first-aid kit, and a battery-operated radio. Optional supplies might include spare shotgun shells, condoms, a shovel, and plastic (a.k.a. poop) bags. SCOTT McGEATH

Available from EZ Mart (the only store that isn't sold out), 21620 Marine View Dr S, Des Moines, 824-3705, prices vary according to scarcity.

Center of the Universe Ball

(FALSE GODS) Will they be singled out as an emblem of immorality as the wrath descends, or elevated as models of humanity? The Center of the Universe Ball certainly features evidence of false god worship (four Elvis impersonators will jump out of a giant spaceship), debauchery (Mambo 9, Orquesta Nueva Era, Yerba Buena), and earthly titillation (the original Fremont Freaky Cinema's peep show). But proceeds will in part benefit food program Baby Cupboard and breast cancer research, designated drivers will get free parking and sodas, and anyone can get free salsa lessons. Fry or fly? We'll see. BRIAN GOEDDE

575 N 34th St in Fremont (under the bridge), 632-0287, 8 pm, $50 advance, $60 at door.

VIVA LIBERTAD!

(PARTY) If you wind up downtown on New Year's Eve with all the bleating amateurs, you'll probably lose your shoes and self-respect. For a smarter, non-embarrassing celebration, head down to Rainier Valley for Radical Women/Freedom Socialist Party's feminist, eco-friendly gathering! Also called "A Rebels' New Year's Eve," festivities include dinner ("ambrosial Greek cuisine"), dancing (salsa, swing, disco), and drinks (of course there's a bar), as well as a little satire theater from the Microsoftville Players (Techie Slaves Unite!). See? Even pinkos know how to have fun! MIN LIAO

New Freeway Hall, 5018 Rainier Ave S, 8:30 pm, $5 door donation, $14.95 buffet donation (sliding scale or work exchange available); call 722-2453 for childcare or more info.

Country Karaoke

(SING) How better to mourn the impending end of the world than wailing your heart out country-style at Linda's New Year's Eve Karaoke? Your last meal will be a home-cooked chili feast, and you can cry in your beer as you and yours re-create the hopelessness of Hank Williams' and Willie Nelson's greatest hits. ERIN FRANZMAN

Linda's, 707 Pine St, 825-1220, 8 pm, $10.

Y2Karaoke

(SING) Didn't get enough tongue under the mistletoe this year? I have it on good authority that everyone who gets up on stage and performs at the Breakroom tonight gets a big slurpy one from Y2Karaoke host Wm. Steven Humphrey. Plus free champagne at the stroke of midnight! Forget Linda's and their toothless, cornpone, country karaoke kisses. Get with the hero for the year 2-zero-zero-zero. KATHLEEN WILSON

The Breakroom, 1325 E Madison at 14th, 860-5155, 9:00 pm, $10.

Drink Water

(HEALTH) When it comes to a real hangover cure, one key ingredient is essential: water. Hangovers are caused mainly by dehydration, and with proper inner-lubrication, alcohol's toxic effects can be greatly diminished. As a rule, match booze and water drink-for-drink, ending with a tall glass of H2O right before bedtime (that is, if you've thought ahead and stocked up), then again first thing in the morning. Down as many Aleves as you want, but without nature's perfect liquid, your body will remain a painful desert. BRADLEY STEINBACHER

Available in your Britta, free.

Evacuate!

(PREPAREDNESS) If advised to evacuate the area: (1) Stay calm and do not rush. (2) Listen to emergency information. (3) Lock windows and doors. (4) Keep car windows and air vents closed and listen to an EAS radio station. (5) Follow evacuation routes provided. If advised to remain at home: (1) Bring pets inside. (2) Lock windows and doors. (3) Turn off air conditioning, vents, fans, and furnace. (4) Go to the basement or other underground area. (5) Stay inside until authorities say it is safe. FEDERAL EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCY (FEMA)

For more info, see http://www.fema.gov/.

The Omega Man

(VIDEO) Still hung over, immobile, and feeling apocalyptic? Crawl over to your computer (if it still works), go to kozmo.com, and make them bring you The Omega Man. The sinfully convenient delivery company can throw in a sandwich to munch as you witness a nuclear holocaust that looks suspiciously like '70s L.A.: Mutant right-wingers prowl the city burning art and literature while the "Savior of Free Thought" is, of all people, a gun-toting Charlton Heston. Maybe Chuck isn't so bad after all. STEVE WIECKING

The Omega Man, available for rental from kozmo.com for $1.99 plus tax and tip, delivered in an hour.

Make a

Divining Rod

(DOWSING) Finished your stash of Crystal Geyser, and feeling a bit parched? Since the reservoirs are polluted with sewage, you're on your own for finding suitable drinking water. So give dowsing (or divining for underground water) a try! You can make a divining rod from metal stock, preferably 1/8 to 3/16 inch in diameter and from 18 to 30 inches long. Bend two rods at a point approximately six inches from the ends to form a right angle "grip." Hold the rods at waist level pointing forward like two pistols. As you walk forward, mentally ask for water. The rods will swivel, either crossing inward or diverging outward as you pass over the target, at which point you simply dig, drink, and (ahhhh) enjoy. SANDY PACHOULO

Dowsing rods available from diviningmind.com, $18.20.

Fantasia

(FILM) Those IMAX people are finally figuring out their crucial role as leaders in drug-induced euphoria. First they gave us T-Rex in 3D, and now they're joining forces with Disney for a new version of that 'shroom classic, Fantasia. The animation here is appropriately mind-blowing (which includes The Sorcerer's Apprentice segment; Mickey's finest hour) and will only be more so with a boost from the huge IMAX screen and the party favor of your choice. STEVE WIECKING

IMAX Theater at Pacific Science Center, 200 Second Ave N, call 443-IMAX for times and ticket availability, $10 adults, $9 kids.

Bury Your Dead

(DISPOSAL) They're starting to stink, aren't they? Well... better bury them. If available, wrap them in plastic, and drag them as far away from your domicile as possible. Dig a hole at least four feet deep (if you don't want to give local vermin a free lunch), dump the body in, and cover with lime. Cover with dirt, pack down hard, and leave a marker (after awhile all graves look alike). WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

Shovel, tarp paper, and lime, available at most Eagle Hardware locations.