THURSDAY 4/27


Mark Morris Dance Group

(DANCE) Mark Morris used to live and create work in Seattle, until Seattle began to say to itself, "If he's still here, he can't be that great." So Morris left. Since then, he's choreographed for the San Francisco Ballet, the Paris Opera Ballet, the American Ballet Theatre, and the New York City Opera; he founded the White Oak Dance Project with Baryshnikov; he was Director of Dance for the national opera house of Brussels; and he's a fellow of the MacArthur Foundation. This program of short works is your opportunity to decide for yourself who was right, Seattle or the rest of the world. BRET FETZER

Meany Theater, UW Campus, 543-4880, Thurs-Sat April 27-29, 8 pm, $36.


Slick Rick

(LIVE MUSIC) Back in 1988, The Great Adventures of Slick Rick yielded rhymes like "Mona Lisa": "Let me spell my name out for you, it's Ricky/R -- Ravishing/I -- Impress/C -- Courageous; so careless/K -- for the Kangols, which I've got/that I wear everyday and/Y -- why not?/To fight's not right that I recite and I'm.../quite polite like Walter Cronkite." And then from last year's "Memories" on The Art of Storytelling comes, "Yo' mama, damn we used to talk improper then/'Member when we used to walk bop, walk bop again?/Givin' them the rhythm that we bought/Push our hand back like we was swimmin' when we walked/Bad all about, Huggie Bear, Rat all about/'Member afros, what the fuck was that all about?" So the next time someone tries to tell you that Slick Rick has gone soft after his time in the pokey, just roll your eyes. We know better. ERIN FRANZMAN

Paramount Theatre, 911 E Pike St, 628-0888, 8 pm, $25.50.


Independent Exposure

(FILM) A fine chapter of the consistently interesting series of independent, experimental, local, and national film and video brought to us monthly (or as monthly as possible) by the delightful Blackchair Productions. This month's installment brings 12 shorts that combine animation, puppetry, (Genevieve Anderson's Sunlight recalls the Brothers Quay), live action, and creepy commercial-parody perf art. IE is more than just an antidote to the multiplex; it's also an antidote to the art house -- you don't see shit like this anywhere else. SEAN NELSON

Speakeasy Cafe, 2304 Second Ave, 728-9770, 7:30 pm, $4.


Sarah Vowell

(READING) Vowell is a regular contributor to Ira Glass' This American Life and the author of Take the Cannoli: Stories from the New World, described by Publishers Weekly as a "quirky collection of thoughts, ramblings, and memories that charmingly cohere into a full picture of American life." If you are one of those nattily dressed, self-congratulating, liberal-bunkum NPR junkies, this exclusive live performance by a witty ranconteur is the perfect chance to experience that weirdest of modern psychological deconstructions: comparing the real face with the voice-driven subliminal composite you've built up over years of avidly tuning in during rush hour. "My goodness," you say when confronted with reality, "I didn't think she looked like that!" RICK LEVIN

Elliott Bay Book Company, 101 S Main St, 624-6600, 7:30 pm, free (advance tickets available at store). Also Fri April 28 at Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 366-3300, 6:30 pm, free.


FRIDAY 4/28


The Filth and the Fury

(FILM) A great documentary about the greatest punk rock band ever to have lived. Director Julien Temple's follow-up to his own 1978 Pistols mockumentary, The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle, puts the lie to the idea that Johnny Rotten, Steve Jones, Paul Cook, Glen Matlock, and Sid Vicious were anything less than a revolutionary socio-political-artistic explosion, shooting like sebum out of the pimple of London's working class. Interviews with the surviving band members in silhouette (like witness protection program participants) are interspersed with live footage you've never seen before, animated Swindle remnants, and an oddly appropriate collage of mid-'70s TV and scenes from Olivier's Richard III. Filth (pronounced "fi-oolf") is the band's version of the story unmitigated by flash, pretense, or hucksterism, and like their music, it's direct, raw, funny, great, and totally electrifying. SEAN NELSON

The Varsity, 4329 University Way NE, 632-3131, Fri-Thurs April 28-May 4, showing daily at (Sat-Sun 12:30, 2:45), 5, 7:15, 9:30 pm, $7.50.


SATURDAY 4/29


Saturday Night Sizzler!

(BOXING EXTRAVAGANZA) Come on out and watch a whole bunch of people punch a whole bunch of other people tonight at Cappy's Gym, where 12 grade-A amateur boxers (male and female, good sports and bad) will pair up to pound their way into your hearts. Raging-bull gym owner Cappy promises lively crowds and high-drama slugging, as well as a basic boxing term tutorial and fabulous door prizes. DAVID SCHMADER

Cappy's Gym, 2002 E Union, 322-6410, 7 pm, $5.


SUNDAY 4/30


Beltane

(PAGAN REVELRY) Feeling holiday-deprived because you didn't celebrate Easter or Passover? Fret not -- there's still time to prepare for the pagan holiday of Beltane, also known as May Eve, which runs from dusk on April 30 to sunrise on May 1. You can join the Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans (CUUPS) at Woodland Park for their afternoon ritual, involving flowers, ribbons, bells, drums, bubbles, Maypole dancing, cauldron-jumping, and "happy, fertile thoughts." But forget that pansy stuff -- if you want the real Beltane, which by definition involves the lighting of bonfires (Belenus was the ancient Celtic god of fire and light), you'll have to provide your own. Lighting fires in Seattle parks is a tricky matter, so it's best to head out of town to any campground. Besides chanting over the fire and dancing clockwise around it, you should follow the customs of choosing one or more people to leap over the fire, and burning an effigy. Since Beltane is an all-night fertility rite, those who aren't looking to reproduce might want to take, er, precautions. MELODY MOSS

CUUPS' Beltane celebration is at Lower Woodland Park Shelter, 2:30 pm; call Debra at (425) 508-1595 for more information.


Masturbation May

(PARTY) The tube sock. The running tub faucet. The "Grecian Headmaster." Properly employed, all are agents of eros capable of inducing orgasmic self-love (however, if carelessly undertaken, the intricate Headmaster can result in permanent hearing loss). Lucky for all of us, the ever-informative staff at Toys in Babeland will celebrate the arrival of Masturbation May with an event designed to help you better please the person you love the most -- you! Come on out for an evening of masturbation-related erotica, diddle-enhancing tips, and information on the Second Annual Masturbate-a-thon. Plus, refreshments! You deserve it. CARLOS BUSTAMANTE

Toys in Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 8 pm, free.


MONDAY 5/1


Mayday, Mayday!

(CABARET) Don't miss Re-bar's mix of star-studded talent -- including The Stranger's own David Schmader, Jennifer Jasper, Sgt. Rigsby and His Amazing Silhouettes, Bald Faced Lie, Stephen Hando, Everett Mall Jr., Kazoo, and more, more, more, with Dina Martina as emcee -- all in an environment where you can smoke and drink yourself silly. As an added incentive, these two performances benefit much-adored local performers Kevin Kent and Mik Kuhlman, who recently lost their home to a fire. Just the love alone in that room will get you drunk and happy. BRET FETZER

Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 233-9873, Mon-Tues May 1-2, 7 pm, $10 donation (or more if you've got it). No reservation required.


TUESDAY 5/2


Porkrind.com

(FOOD/PORN) Well, that's the last load of cash I'll be dropping at Victoria's Secret now that I know what really turns men on: pork rinds! Specifically, a scantily clad, post-pubescent woman lying on a carpet of fried pork skin, masturbating with -- you guessed it -- a pork rind. YUM! One enthusiast explains his obsession: "I like naked chicks, I like pork rinds, therefore, naked chicks and prok [sic] rinds must be good." Okay! KATHLEEN WILSON

Click "fun" then "porn" at www.porkrind.com.


WEDNESDAY 5/3


Sonics vs. Jazz, Game Four

(POTENTIAL BASKETBALL) Okay, so this game might not even happen. There's a very real possibility that our current edition of the Cardiac Kids will be swept out of the first round, what with their shakiness at two-guard, their underpowered (and depressed) power forward, their lack of cohesion, and their lackluster performance during the stretch run to the playoffs -- not to mention the Sonics' history of first-round flame-outs, even in their good seasons. Still, should the Sonics make it this far into their first-round playoff series with the Jazz, look forward to a hard-fought, dirty game and the possibility of several more to follow. If the Sonics can beat the Jazz, they could beat Portland or Minneapolis (one of whom they'd face in the second round), thus advancing all the way to the Western Conference finals before the almighty Los Angeles Lakers stomped them into the hardwood floor at Staples Center. ERIC FREDERICKSEN

KeyArena, time TBA; TV: TNT; Radio: KJR 950 AM.