(LIVE MUSIC) If the Columbine killers had some imagination and heart and access to an older brother's Germs and Minutemen records, they would have made the Blood Brothers' devastating 12-song EP This Adultery Is Ripe. Imagine an angrier, sexual Minor Threat, a younger Truman's Water (remember them?), an American Wire from strip-mall hell. Tonight they play a benefit show for PCC with Waxwing, Akimbo, Hollywood Mike Miranda, and Drowning In Lithe, and will probably reveal for the first time the material they are recording for their upcoming debut full-length. They WILL be the biggest thing to come out of this town since Modest Mouse, or I'll eat my hat. The videos of these little shows at the Paradox will one day be relics of a magical age. Would someone, by the way, please take the mayor to an all-ages show? The politeness and decency of the crowd will come as a complete shock to that old hippie. GRANT COGSWELL
Paradox, 5510 University Way NE, 529-7677, 8 pm, $5 donation.
(FOOD) Take a culinary trip to the sunny Mediterranean by visiting Capitol Hill's Coastal Kitchen, currently featuring breakfast, lunch, and dinner items from Portugal. The menu emphasizes hearty meats, seafood, and stews, doused with sauces laden with exotic vegetables, fruits, and spices. Good bets include the Bife a Portuguesa ($18.50), a pan-seared beef tenderloin with prosciutto, ruby port, and lemon; Porco a Alentejana ($15.50 dinner, $9.50 lunch), pork loin and clams in a marinara sauce; Salada de Figos ($6.25), seasonal greens in port vinaigrette with figs, goat cheese, and slivered almonds; and the perfectly light Port Sorbet ($2.50), as well as many varieties of Portuguese wine and port. Be sure to visit the restroom, where you can enjoy silly Portuguese language tapes. MELODY MOSS
Coastal Kitchen, 429 15th Ave E, 322-1145, daily 8:30 am-midnight, closed Sat-Sun 3-5 pm. Portuguese menu through mid-January; regular menu is available anytime.
Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic
(FILM) Perhaps to coincide with the time-honored traditions of New Year's resolutions and the immediate breaking of same, the Grand Illusion is dedicating their weekend late-night screenings throughout the month of January to the marvelously titled series "Squared Straight": five whole weeks of shrill, sensationalistic films aimed to keep teens off the drugs and on the straight and narrow. First up, just this side of 2001 actually, is the 1975 TV movie Sarah T.: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic, with Linda Blair as a 15-year-old losing a battle with the bottle. It's your call which is the more amusing connection: that the film co-stars Mark Hamill or that it was directed by Superman and Lethal Weapon auteur Richard Donner. BRUCE REID
Grand Illusion, 1403 NE 50th, 523-3935. See Movie Times for details.
(KITSCH) Maybe you're into the sterile, stark, 2001: A Space Odyssey schtick so popular with the hipster bloc, but if your design sensibility is a trifle more festive, swing on down to Gust-O Furniture where owner and master upholsterer Libby Knudson is putting the fun back into furniture, one Virgin of Guadalupe tapestry chair at a time. The showroom boasts riotous Red Chinese couches, recliner chairs adorned with steer horns or fake orange fur, and entire living room sets customized in leopard or camouflage--all at rock-bottom prices. Colorful characters and urban cowboys will be sure to find something tasty to take home, but if not, don't fret! Libby can whip up the craziest of custom orders in her workshop. Be honest--aren't you a little tired of living in a room that has all the warmth and comfort of the baggage claim at Sea-Tac? TAMARA PARIS
Gust-O Furniture, 605 Dexter Ave N, 282-6647. Open Sat 11 am-6 pm, Sun noon-5 pm, or by appointment.
(WEBSITE) What happened to millennial hysteria? I spent last year's New Year's Eve holed up in Parker, Colorado with an angry German shepherd and $300 worth of canned soup. This year, I'm going to watch fireworks, on television, in my underwear. Luckily, I can revisit my Y2K anxiety on PBS' comprehensive "Race for the Superbomb" website, complete with detonation footage, a video tour of the government's top-secret Greenbrier bunker, and, best of all, a blast mapper to determine the degree of fallout from a nuclear attack anywhere in the United States! Exhilarating! JASON PAGANO
Heaven and Hell Ball
(PARTY) It's the last night of the 20th century, and everything high and low comes together in the glittering futuristic space of Consolidated Works for what should be one of the rockin'-est parties this side of the rivers of brimstone. Tonight, ConWorks is divided into Heaven and Hell: In Heaven, you can adjust your halo to the sounds of harp, cello, dulcimer, and angelic voices; in Hell, DJs rule the stage alongside fire twirlers, devilish dancers, and spicy food. Your worthy guides to this madness are headliners Harvey Danger. Party with no repentance. TRACI VOGEL
Consolidated Works, 410 Terry Ave N, 860-5245, 9 pm-2 am, festive attire, $15.
(CURATIVE) Your first day of the 21st century--and it's a Monday. The future is a three-dimensional inkblot of palpitating hangover, a watery afternoon of muted television and chicken pot pies. Although it is now Buck Rogers' era, there is no magic pill to take away your drunky blues. Instead, try lying very still with a hot pad, and sipping whiskey slowly. Dark red lipstick tinted to the blue side of the color spectrum will make you look Garbo-trashy, and will aid in your feeling of spent drama. Or try a trip to the Oxygen Bar, on the top of Broadway Market; sit at the small bar with a tube up your nose that delivers concentrated citrus- or lavender-scented oxygen. It might not cure you, but you'll feel futuristic. If none of these works, wear comfy clothes and sleep by the toilet. TRACI VOGEL
Oxygen Bar, Broadway Market, Top Floor, 322-7474, $1 per minute and up (nose tube $2).
(ART) There's a weird garden growing in the storefront window of SAM's Rental Sales Gallery, courtesy of artist Garth Amundson. It's a family of creatures crafted from sewn-together images of random people, in organic and slightly creepy shapes, mounted on slender wooden dowels that give them an insectlike look. Some look like bunched-down socks, others are full and globe-shaped, and all of them have a phosphorescent glow that is both alluring and sickly. The combined effect--nostalgia and anonymity, organism and object, shadow and light--makes for good street-side viewing, especially at night (and Amundson knows his window-dressing; his first job was in visual presentation at Nordstrom). Your garden should look so good. EMILY HALL
Seattle Art Museum Rental Sales Gallery, 1334 First Ave, 654-3240. Through mid-January.
(FILM) Berlin-Cinema (Titre Provisoire), the serenely beautiful yet passionately thoughtful debut from director Samira Gloor-Fadel, offers viewers an intellectual tour of the eponymous city. Wim Wenders, head always slouched in a question-mark curve, and appealingly round architect Jean Nouvel act as guides; though he's never seen, a fascinating commentary--culled from interviews--is offered on the soundtrack by Jean-Luc Godard. Blithely appropriating what it will from its many influences, Berlin-Cinema especially borrows much of its style and tone from Wenders' Wings of Desire, but Gloor-Fadel actually does a much better job of portraying the German city as a land of ghosts, haunted by its own past, by its current mania for constructing boxlike buildings devoid of history, and, fortunately, by filmmakers--the only profession, as one of Godard's epigrammatic ruminations has it, that "can show the historians or judges where to look." BRUCE REID
Little Theatre, 608 19th Ave E, 675-2055. Plays tonight only at 5:30, 7:30, and 9:30 pm.
(TV) Fans of late-night comedy owe a debt to Robert Smigel. The creator of Saturday Night Live's "TV Funhouse" cartoons (The Ambiguously Gay Duo, The X-Presidents) and Late Night with Conan O'Brien's Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog has consolidated your nostalgic longing for childhood and love of foul-mouthed puppets into a manic pothead fantasia of a cable television program, also named TV Funhouse. Crude animal puppets, faithful early-'80s animation, absurd humor: If the Saturday mornings of your childhood began with four hours of uninterrupted television, pour yourself an enormous bowl of Lucky Charms and enjoy. JASON PAGANO
Comedy Central, 10:30 pm.