1a. This is the beginning of CHARLES MUDEDE's long article about pigeon feet: "My story begins with a pigeon trying to get laid." Write five first sentences to a feature story that are more compelling than Mudede's first sentence. That wasn't so hard, was it?

1b. The next time you're walking around Seattle, take note of how many mangled pigeon feet you see. Do you believe Mudede is exaggerating the number of disfigured pigeons in Seattle when he estimates that one in seven pigeons have deformed feet?

1c. If you believe Mudede is exaggerating that number, please explain how an actual newspaper would punish Mudede for publishing untrue facts in its pages. Why do you believe this will not happen at The Stranger?

2. Moving on from the unmitigated buffoonery of Mudede's piece, MAGED ZAHER has authored a piece about the recent unrest in Egypt. Why, in your opinion, didn't Zaher publish this essay at a "real" newspaper? Do you think it's because Zaher is a finalist for the Stranger Genius Award in literature, with a potential prize of $5,000? Isn't this some sort of extortion?

3. CIENNA MADRID reviews a new book by a local memoirist named Nicole Hardy. It's an unfavorable review. Given that Madrid has written personal essays, and given that Madrid does not have a book deal, how much of her disdain for Hardy's book do you believe can be attributed to jealousy? How much can be attributed to envy? Is there a difference between jealousy and envy? Why or why not? If so, which word best applies to Madrid?

4. When it comes to Hempfest and DOMINIC HOLDEN, things could not get more complicated. Holden served on the board of the festival for years, until he got work at The Stranger, whereupon he began slagging on the festival's poorly designed posters and pot-fueled antics at every opportunity. He even did battle with Hempfest over the marijuana legalization initiative last year (Holden was for it, many Hempfest supporters were against it), often resorting to base name-calling when it came to describing Hempfest's organizers. Now Holden has written a piece about how Hempfest is absolutely vital to a post-legalized-marijuana Seattle. At what point in his long and labyrinthine history with Hempfest did Holden simply decide to become, in internet parlance, a troll? Remember to support your theory with factual evidence, unlike Holden.