1. For this issue's feature story, EMILY NOKES and KELLY O went to a petting zoo in Issaquah to profile a person who interviews bands on hot-tub boats. What is more passé: (A) petting zoos, (B) bands, (C) the hot-tub-boat "craze," (D) Kelly O's contrived photos of people pretending to have fun, or (E) Emily Nokes's elaborate attempts to continue to fool the public into thinking she's a writer, even though music writing barely qualifies as such, even under the best of circumstances?
2. In the news section, DOMINIC HOLDEN continues frothing at the mouth—as he has been for what seems like an eternity—about the harassment he received from law-enforcement professionals while taking legal photographs of police work last summer. One officer has finally been fired by King County. Will Holden now move on from the incident and return his focus to larger matters not concerning himself, or will he take this opportunity to get a commemorative "HERO" tattoo on his gloating, bike-sculpted calf muscle?
3. What is more irritating: CHARLES MUDEDE's attempts to quantify Seattle's current national prominence with his vague and inaccurate understanding of science, or the fact that The Stranger has at last rolled all of its bandwagons into one monumental bandwagon pileup of an article that includes the Seahawks, Macklemore, Kshama Sawant, and Amanda Knox?
4. This week in what is generously referred to as "the arts section," JEN GRAVES strings together yet another nonsensical pile of sentences into a "review" of some so-called art at the Henry made by a person who apparently gathers piles of garbage. Please give yourself one point for each paragraph you were able to read before turning the page. Bonus: 10 extra points if you are able to remember one single detail from this piece three minutes after you read it.
5a. In the music section, MEGAN SELING has taken a break from deriding successful musicians the Red Hot Chili Peppers to encourage underage musicians to compete against one another for supposed fame. Is it wise to encourage youth to pursue their "dreams"? Please list six professions Seling could have instead celebrated that will not end in drugs, soul-crushing defeat, and moving back in with one's parents at the age of 35.
5b. Didn't Megan Seling move to Nashville?
6. This issue features the paper's first, and hopefully last, beer column. What, was the monotonous pro-marijuana soapbox getting tiring? Does the beer column, paired with The Stranger's recent sports obsession, indicate that The Stranger has partnered with the University of Washington's fraternity system? Is The Stranger having a midlife crisis? Can we expect a bikini-babe centerfold in the next issue?