Father knows best

Tues May 25, 5:17 pm: A civil engineer reports that while he was busy at work, a thief entered his house and stole a little white Chihuahua with black spots (value $300) and a brown acoustic guitar with a black case (value $300). The civil engineer is convinced that the thief is his 15-year-old daughter, who ran away from home recently. "She knows how to reach in through the doggy door and unlock the back door," he knowingly said to police. The civil engineer also reported that his little girl is a criminal, as he has found drug paraphernalia and pornographic magazines in her bedroom.

When the devil comes to town

Wed May 26, 1:33 am: After being released from prison, a man tracked down his girlfriend, who is eight months pregnant, and punched her in the stomach when she refused to sell her food stamps. The woman complained of excruciating pain on the left side of her chest, and felt that her unborn baby was "balled up"; she was transported to University Hospital for medical treatment. Her "boyfriend" was returned to the bowels of the largest and most expensive prison system in the world.

Stupid, stupid man
Capitol Hill

Wed May 26, 12:35 pm: A man drinking at Hamburger Mary's became extremely agitated after two strangers supposedly flirted with his precious darling. He threatened to "fuck them up" and "kick their ass," and offered the bartender $500 to eject the two from the restaurant so he could kick their asses outside. When that didn't work, the man yelled at the people in the restaurant, who were now staring at him, that he was going to go to his apartment, grab his shotgun, and shoot up the whole damn hamburger place. When police arrived, they asked the jealous man to get out of the restaurant, and stay out. The man, who was apparently not very bright, continued his threatening behavior, asking the cops if they wanted to step outside. "I'll fuck you all up," he warned. The cops took the man into custody without much trouble, though Officer Fredrickson reported him to be "hostile, belligerent, and profane throughout his transport to the precinct." The jealous man is banned from Hamburger Mary's for one year.

Popped her one
Capitol Hill

Wed May 26, 5:20 pm: Officers responded to a call on Howell Ave to find a 40-year-old woman named Katherine bleeding profusely from the mouth. She told officers that she had been struck by a 16-year-old black male. This was her story: She was walking along minding her own business when four kids sprayed her with a "party favor" called Silly String. In protest, Katherine, who is white, called one of the kids a "nigger." The kid responded with a sudden blow to the mouth, which ruptured her upper lip. Satisfied that he had exacted his revenge, the young black male left the scene and headed in an unknown direction.

Revenge of the fax machine
Capitol Hill

Wed May 26, 6:00 am: A man named Hills reported to police that he has been receiving calls--sometimes seven or eight a night--from an obsessed and obnoxious fax machine. Hills states that each time he picks up the phone, he hears a loud, demonic fax machine screaming in that electronic language only another fax machine can understand. Hills believes the fax machine is harassing him because of a lawsuit he has pending against his landlord.

Hell cartoon
Capitol Hill

Thurs May 27, 7:40 am: A man approached a school bus at Meany Middle School and started handing out religious pamphlets to the children as they left the bus. However, the pamphlets, which use cartoons to dramatize the beliefs and themes of the man's religion, distressed the boys and girls so much they complained to school security. Security approached the religious man and ordered him to leave the school grounds at once. After some resistance, the man departed in a Mazda.

'Don't move, motherfucker!'
First Hill

Fri May 28, 12:10 am: At a Seafirst bank on Madison Ave, a man was about to withdraw money from the Automated Teller Machine when a scary man came up from behind, put a knife to his throat, and said, "Don't move, motherfucker! I've got you covered like nobody's business! Continue on, motherfucker! Punch in your code!" Fearing for his life, the victim withdrew $140 (all that he had) from his account and handed it to the scary man, who took it and ran away. At this point, the traumatized (and broke) man could no longer see his attacker, but he did overhear two males across the street--one asking, "Did you get the money okay, Dave?" and the other answering, "Yes, I got the money." These two men walked into a nearby pub. The robbed man called the cops, who stopped one of the alleged crooks as he left the bar at around 1:30 a.m. The man was positively identified by the victim and transported to King County Jail. Officer Micheline Kane was the primary officer in this report, and was supported by Officers Dindo Daranciang and Tracy Wood.

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