NEWS With the monorail being transferred to the feature section (see below), The Stranger news department is free this week to till even less consequential soil. To wit: AMY JENNIGES follows up on the events (and by "events," I mean Christian bashing) at Lake Washington High School, DARRIN BURGESS turns his sights on a local neighborhood trying to save a bar from hoodlums, DAVID SCHMADER files a report from the recent anti-gay "Love Won Out" event, and ELI SANDERS throws a fit about new government regulations supposedly hampering free speech (and diminishing the number of engorged penis photos available on the internet).


Given the mental capacity of The Stranger's pot-addled editorial staff, "Editor" Dan Savage must turn to the outside world for a thoughtful analysis of the Iraq quagmire. The result: TED RALL throws a hissy fit... for a change.

FEATURE Monorail Package No. 1,549

Ah, yes. Just as The Stranger's favorite publicly funded disaster appears to be derailing once and for all, the editors come rushing to the scene to revive the corpse. But what's this? They actually have some unkind words for the transportation blunder? The denizens of hell must be preparing for a pretty good snowball fight.

GENERAL OBSERVATIONS Confidential to Mistress Matisse: I don't know what I did to offend you, but I certainly didn't mean to. I mean, God, can you imagine me, of all people, intentionally alienating you, the woman who has opened me up in ways I never imagined possible? There has to be a way through this, and I'll do anything, anything (yes, even that) to prove how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I freaked out. All my love, Birch.