NEWSPrimary EndorsementsThis week brings The Stranger's election endorsements, a handy tool for fatuous locals eager to squander their votes. The package's childish theme is alcohol—how fitting, given that much of the endorsement package itself was clearly penned under the influence. To be blunt: If you rely on the crackpots at this paper to guide your vote, you don't deserve to have a vote.

SHORT FEATURE ResignationNEAL POLLACK, who is often witty (though not nearly as witty as he often believes he is) claims to have unearthed the first draft of disgraced FEMA honcho Michael Brown's resignation letter. Before reading, please keep in mind that old adage involving grains of salt.

FEATURE Mourning in America Speaking of tearing down democracy one feeble article at a time (see News comments above), ELI SANDERS files story #1,455 in his continuing series attempting to undermine the great nation of America in general, and President Bush in particular. This week's diatribe involves grieving mothers who have lost their sons in Iraq, a group that deserves more respect than this impious rag could ever provide.