AS YOU UNDOUBTEDLY remember, last year I was coerced into spending Thanksgiving with some stinking hippies, who subsequently tricked me into eating 14 pot brownies. Now some of you longhairs may be saying, "Wowwww, dude! 14 pot brownies? That's like... woww... I mean, you can't... umm... what were we talking about?" But let me tell you, those marijuana freaks got me so fawking high I almost lopped off my honey-baked ham on the ceiling fan! Anyway, needless to say, I am going HOME for Thanksgiving this year, which is always fun, because that's where I'M in charge! For example, I always look forward to seeing my cousin Chet (yes, the same dork who wrote the short-lived "I Love Television™: Special Victim's Unit" column), because he always brings a date with him, and I like to see how long it takes me to talk her into the sack. (My best time so far: 25 minutes.)

Another thing I love about going home for the holidays is watching television. In fact, last year my sweet and juicy booty was planted on the couch for so long, my butt-hairs began to take root. It is truly a joy to devote so much quality time to something I love so dearly, as opposed to actually working for a living. Working may be fine for the lower classes -- but for me? Please. That's why this column is devoted to the whimsical vagaries of TELEVISION: that for which I am thankful, and that for which I ain't.

One thing I'm thankful for is "sweeps week." This is the time of year when the networks trot out their super-popular shows that earn big ratings, so they can turn around and charge advertisers up the ass. So, if you're ever wondering to yourself, "Hmm. Am I in the middle of sweeps week?" -- all you have to do is turn on FOX. If a show like "World's Most Hilarious Dentist Bloopers 4" is on? You, my friend, are in sweeps.

One thing I'm NOT, NOT, NOT thankful for is the horrible... the abysmal... the gagimonious Time of Your Life, starring Jennifer Love Hewitt (Monday, 8:00, FOX)! Oh my god, all I can say is thank heaven the Nazis never got a hold of this one! Reprising her role as Sarah from Party of Five, Jennifer moves to New York City, and wonders if there is more to herself than just the insipid simp who does Neutrogena commercials. Well, let me end the suspense for you, Jennifer: NO, THERE IS NOT!!!!! Your show sucks, your movies suck, and I will never use Neutrogena products again!!

Another show I'm very thankful for is WWF Wrestling on UPN (Thursday, 8:00). I know, I know... I've mentioned this before. BUT! Every week it just keeps getting better and better, because the real action isn't in the ring -- it's backstage! For example, a couple of weeks ago, the evil Mr. Ass stepped into (ouch!) an actual bear trap set by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. And then, in the continuing feud between Big Show and the Bossman, the poop really hit the fan when Bossman disrupted (now get this...) the funeral of Big Show's father, by hitching the dead man's coffin up to his car, and dragging it off down the road with Big Show on top! Now that's something you won't see on Ally McBeal!

And in case you'd like to hear the short list, I'm NOT thankful for Alan Alda on E.R. (although I AM thankful he's gone); I'm NOT thankful for commercials with talking chihuahuas (although I AM thankful for commercials depicting baby bears vomiting on park rangers); and while I'm NOT thankful for pot brownies, I AM thankful for all my sweetie-pie I Love Television readers, and Chet's new girlfriend. Rrrowrr! Look out, baby! Humpy's comin' home!