We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

The iron-carbon alloy commonly known as stainless steel regrets having been formed into the three-part public sculpture Eat, Drink, and Be Merry. This public sculpture is not in an out-of-the-way location, like in the middle of a park, but right outside the Paramount Theatre. Stainless steel does not know what it was thinking by allowing the artist Ries Niemi to fashion a trio of 16-to-18-foot-tall stick figures, the one on the left shaped like a bottle of booze wearing a scarf, the one on the right shaped like a martini glass with a diamond ring inside the glass for a head, and the one in the middle wearing jeans and with a spatula for a head.

Stainless steel is the quadriceps of metals. It is the stuff of bank vaults. It was used in the making of the gravity-defying St. Louis Arch and the mighty Chrysler Building. It is cold and efficient. It does not want to eat, drink, or be merry. It has no time for whimsy. It does not even show the stains of age and use. It is very nearly forever. Unfortunately, because of Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, stainless steel will have to hate itself a little, forever. It sincerely regrets having brought shame upon its family.