Rachel Ratner and Shannon Perry. Kyle Johnson

So, it turns out that bands on the road don't check their e-mail very often. Scratch that—punk bands on the road don't check their e-mail very often. (Somebody get TacocaT an iPhone family plan already, please!)

Sitting at Big Mario's, eating pizza and drinking beer and waiting for bands to e-mail back for a feature wherein they answer stupid/funny questions about pizza, it's becoming glaringly obvious that this may not be the best way to write about Pizza­Fest, an annual celebration of pizza and bands that revere pizza, which is going down this weekend at the Funhouse.

Last year, it was in Chicago. This year, it's Seattle. As "Pizza" Pete Capponi, a co-organizer of this year's fest, tells it, "Our friend Brian Costello from Johnny and the Limelites says to Ruben [Mendez, co-­organizer of this year's PizzaFest] and me, with a mouth full of deep-dish, 'Yo, PizzaFest should be in Seattle next year...' and PRESTO!! PizzaFest 2010!"

At 4:45 p.m., with this article almost five hours overdue, only two bands have submitted answers: New Jersey punkers Personal & the Pizzas (Funny Rating: 8; Sample Q: "What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?" A: "We chained some guys") and Texan psych-­garage underagers Fungi Girls (Funny Rating: 3; Wisdom Rating: 9; Sample Q: "If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?" A: "Cheeeesssssyyyyy").

4:50 p.m.: The smell of cheese is thick in the air, and my inbox is troublingly empty. Time is slipping. A draft that might somehow redeem current lateness is at this point still nothing but a delusion. Word count: 117.

4:58 p.m.: Several beers deep, I stumble into a conversation about the Cha Cha Lounge, which does not serve pizza. "Cha Cha is a walk-of-shame factory," everyone agrees after a tellingly brief period of deliberation.

5:37 p.m.: INBOX LIGHTS UP! GLIMMER OF HOPE! Two e-mails: one from lo-fi power poppers the Suspicions (Funny Rating: 6.5; Sample Q: "What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?" A: "PIZOOKIE. It is a cross between a pizza and a cookie. It is covered in ice cream. It is the best/worst thing") and the other from booty-rap outfit Lamborghiniz (Funny Rating: 9.5; Sample Q: "What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?" A: "We don't eat pizza becuz it makes you fat. We eat protein shakes and lift weights at the beach").

5:41 p.m.: Beer is now flowing freely. Confidence in a coherent, entertaining survey of funny pizza-related questions and answers is rapidly fading. Drunkards' unsolicited suggestions of different angles for this article are starting to sound more and more plausible.

6:01 p.m.: The house stereo at Big Mario's abruptly ceases to emit tunes, prompting amateur diagnostics from the barflies and multiple powerings-on and powerings-off of the receiver. The score (hits from the Clash, on vinyl) restarts within minutes. The barflies have long since returned to less perplexing matters.

6:02 p.m.: Response number five arrives, from Chicago brother/sister duo White Mystery! (Funny Rating: 8; Sample Q: "What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?" A: "On tour through Switzerland, I ate a canned corn and broccoli pizza, and I found a pube in it.")

6:21 p.m.: A friend appears and orders shots for anyone sitting within slurring distance. A round of Milagro reposado worms its way into unwitting livers. All hopes of that intelligible survey of pizza-themed questions and answers are now a vague and irretrievable memory, like a late-night pizza-­fueled dream you can't quite recall upon waking, hungover.

7:49 p.m.: No new band e-mails. The laptop battery is almost dead, and the power cord is at home. Whatever music is playing on the house sound system fails to register in the memory banks. Panic and drunkenness vie for control of my consciousness. An employee sits at a table behind me, cutting dozens of limes for the coming nightfall. At the bar, a debate ignites about the merits of covering Madonna songs.

9:36 p.m.: Checking e-mail on a borrowed computer reveals another submission of answers! This round is from bare-bones vice rockers Butts (Funny Rating: 5; Sincerity Rating: Delightful; Sample Q: "If you could only eat one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?" A: "Rachel: Tater totza. Shannon: Have they ever tried putting marijuana on [pizza]?").

Sometime after midnight: I retreat to home in an attempt to write. On the way, I purchase two greasy, delicious-looking pepperoni slices at Hot Mama's but pass out at my desk before eating them.

***Read the full answers below!***

RUBEN MENDEZ, DEAN HUDSON, AND LACEY SWAIN OF COCONUT COOLOUTS

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

RM: Last year, we went on a monthlong tour with Personal & the Pizzas out to Pizza Fest I [Chicago], and we had free pizza at every show. So, uh, best/worst?

DH: The actual pizza at Chicago Pizza Fest is the worst thing that has ever happened to Coconut Coolouts, hands down.

LS: We saw an entire pizza flipped over in the middle of Madison over I-5 yesterday. It was brutal and sad.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

RM: Yes, Pizza Hut delivery station was my first job ever.

DH: No, I'm too smart for that.

LS: Yes, at Sit & Spin. I made dough and sauce and shredded cheese.

Why is your band currently working in the pizza industry?

RM: What do you mean, Grant?

DH: I do computers.

LS: Pizza is our medium, not our industry.

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

RM: Pizza sauce.

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DH: Sun-dried tomatoes.

LS: Pepperoni, man!

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

RM: I ALWAYS get the last slice. And the slice before that. Have you seen my figure?

DH: We always fight over the last slice of pizza, and it usually ends with someone going to the hospital with a wicked cheese burn to the face.

LS: Pete and I got in a fight on tour over a slice—my slice, that he chose to help himself to, but it wasn't the last slice, per se. I think he cried a little.

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

RM: Chicago style! The thicker the better! Have you seen my figure?!

DH: Tuscan, thanks.

LS: New York! Or whatever Totino's party pizzas are.

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

R: Yes. Have you seen my... never mind.

D: No way, Jose. I toss it in the garbage for the garbage people to eat.

L: Yes, it's my favorite part.

HOWIE DOODAT AND BILLY JEANS OF MEAN JEANS

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

HD: Free pizza and not enough free pizza.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

BJ: Jeans Wilder and I were delivering pizza together in the D.C. area when we formed Mean Jeans. We quit that shit and moved to Portland, where I realized I had no life skills other than pizza delivery and the ability to seriously shred. I just quit Oasis Pizza after two and a half years of critical delivery... to sell weed.

Why is your band currently working in the pizza industry?

BJ: For money.

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

BJ: Pepperoni über alles.

HD: Ditto.

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

BJ: You can have the last slice... over my dead body!

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

HD: Who's buyin'?

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

BJ: The drums on the first Jeans 7-inch were recorded entirely with leftovers from Killer Pizza from Mars.

HD: I eat it all.

ALEX WHITE OF WHITE MYSTERY

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

On tour through Switzerland, I ate a canned corn and broccoli pizza, and found a pube in it.

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Pepperoni! Did you know that it's made only from male pigs? And testosterone makes their meat so rancid that it has to be extremely spiced up to be edible? It even rhymes, pepperoni and testosterone!

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

There are only two of us in White Mystery, so we just slice it in half and share.

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

New York style, 'cause I love big, floppy, thin-crust triangular slices that I can eat like a taco.

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

Hell yeah, we lust for crust.

RACHEL RATNER AND SHANNON PERRY OF BUTTS

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

RR: The best thing that ever happened to Butts was when we invented Shmizza, the pizza smoothie you can drink out of a beer hat. Second best: punching a Totino's party pizza in half on Chatroulette.

SP: Don't forget about how we invented Pizzoncho, the edible poncho made of pizza.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

RR: No, but we ensure its continued success by our mass consumption of pizza.

SP: I think playing at Pizza Fest should count as working in the "pizza industry."

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

RR: Tater totza.

SP: Have they ever tried putting marijuana on pizza?

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

RR: No. But Shannon can eat a whole pizza.

SP: That way, there's no last slice. No fighting necessary.

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

RR: Totino's party style.

SP: The huge floppy kind that folds in half. [New York style –ed.]

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

RR: I'm what you would call a crust punk.

SP: Yes, mostly, but I suppose if I didn't eat it, I'd probably donate it to the needy or dry it out and use it to knit clothing for children or something.

THE WORLD FAMOUS LAMBORGHINIZ CREW

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

We don't eat pizza, because it makes you fat. We eat protein shakes and lift weights at the beach.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

Helllllllllllll no!! Ain't no pizza gettin' served up in a strip club!

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Bikini tops.

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

[silence]

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

Both are filled with babes, so take your pick, dude.

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

[silence]

BRYAN STANDRIDGE OF THE SUSPICIONS

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

PIZOOKIE. It is a cross between a pizza and a cookie. It is covered in ice cream. It is the best/worst thing.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

We work overtime in the pizza-disposal industry.

Why is your band currently working in the pizza industry?

To pay off pizza-related debt to Ruben Mendez.

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Any ingredient described as "OOEY-GOOEY" or measured in "DOLLOPS."

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

There is no fight; there is only NICK, destroyer of pizza.

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

PIZOOKIES are actually more like Tukwila or Lynnwood style.

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

PIZOOKIE is the crustless wonder. Watch for PIZOOKIE FEST 2011!!!

FUNGI GIRLS

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

There are too many good things about pizza to name one thing that's the best. The worst is that we have to stop eating it eventually.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

Prior to Pizza Fest, unfortunately no.

Why is your band currently working in the pizza industry?

We love pizza more than we love our mothers, so it just made sense. Plus, why would we not want to play a fest all about pizza?

>If you could only eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Cheeeesssssyyyyy.

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

Nah, we split it into very thin slices.

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

We don't give a fuck. It's all pizza.

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

The majority of the time we do. If not, we feed it to our dogs. They love pizza, too.

DREW CRAMER OF PERSONAL & THE PIZZAS

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

We chained some guys.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

I AM the pizza industry.

Why is your band currently working in the pizza industry?

'Cause we get to whip chains around and chain people with 'em.

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Chains.

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

Is this a trick question? Yeah, we fight, WITH CHAINS!!

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

New York, 'cause we get to chain people over there.

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

No. I chain it.

DAVE McMARTIN OF INDIAN WARS

What's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to your band that involves pizza?

Our guitar player Fraser threw a slice of pizza off the stage at a monthly night they have in Vancouver called the Rock and Roll Pizza Party, and it landed on some dude's white shirt. We felt pretty bad, but it was funny as hell.

Have you ever worked in the pizza industry?

No, but Brad our singer used to frequent Little Caesars pizza in his high-school years where a bunch of his friends worked and they used to have dough and pizza-sauce fights in the store and take giant balls of pizza dough to the local swimming pool, throw them in, and watch them expand to enormous sizes.

Why is your band currently working in the pizza industry?

Solely for the reason that we get to play with lots of great bands that we really like. Can't wait to hear Fungi Girls and Slippery Slopes.

If you could eat only one pizza ingredient for the rest of your life, what would it be?

To be honest, none of us in the band really like pizza all that much. Give us a burrito any day.

Do you ever fight over the last slice of pizza?

We never fight. We're one big happy family.

Chicago style or New York style, and why?

New York—not because of the pizza, but because it is an amazing city. Never been to Chicago, but we've heard nothing but good things.

Do you eat the crust? If not, what do you do with it?

I always eat the crust. I'm so cheap, I'll eat anything that will fill me up and won't make me sick. recommended