Know what? Rev. Jerry Falwell is nothing but a dumb pudgy crybaby. I'm sure you're all familiar with Rev. Falwell's recent startling accusation that Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies TV show is a little purple homo who will most assuredly find himself on the express slip 'n' slide to H-E-double-hockey-sticks. But here's the latest! Now, according to his website, Falwell is all, "Oh, I'm not the narrow-minded homophobe who said that! It was some other narrow-minded homophobe who works for me!" Of course, I'm misquoting him here, but everybody knows that if you want snoozy sound bites, you can go straight to the jackass' mouth at, and if you want heee-larious slander you read I... Love... Television™!! HURRAH!

Whoops. Where was I? Oh, yeah! So as it turns out, this piece actually was written by some needle-dick other than his smug Tub o' Lardness, but it's a moot point, because Rev. Ding-Dong says he totally agrees with it. However! Here's what really bites my 'nads! It's that Falwell mentions ALL these other supposedly fancy-pants media outlets (Time, The Washington Post, People) who have claimed Tinky Winky is gay, and completely ignores the person who broke the story in the U.S.A.--namely, yours fawking truly! I was claiming Tinky was as queer as a three-dollar "eh-oh" before the show was even on the goddam air in the states!! So what do I have to do? Get a fawking "666" tattooed on my forehead before I can get some props from the Christians? Jesus CHRIST!!

Anyhey! Besides claiming that this certain Teletubby is a boy who carries a red purse, here's the irrefutable proof (according to Falwell's cronies) that Tinky Winky is... you know, winky winky! "He is purple--the gay pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle--the gay pride symbol." What they forgot to mention is that Tinky Winky also buys all his furniture at IKEA--the gay pride furniture store; and works for the Seattle Police Department--the gay pride place of employment. HA!! Take that, Falwell! I scooped your fat ass again!

But what's really funny about is how half the website is devoted to press releases which make excuses for something idiotic Falwell previously said. So if he's busy NOT refuting that Tinky Winky is gay, he's claiming that the coming Antichrist is gonna be a Jew. Dig this! According to Jerry "I ain't no anti-Semite!" Falwell: "Since Jesus came to the earth the first time 2,000 years ago as a Jewish male, many evangelicals believe the Antichrist will, by necessity, be a Jewish male."

Well let me tell YOU something, Rev. Falwell! I'll have you know I'm a bit of a theologian myself, and I think your theory of the Antichrist being Jewish is BULL HOCKEY! First of all, BONEHEAD, by definition "anti-Christ" does not mean "the same as Christ"--it means the opposite, DOORKNOB! Haven't you ever read in the Superman comics about "Bizarro world," where everything is opposite, and the Bizarro Superman flies backwards, has an ugly haircut, and says things like, "Ugh! Me hate hotdogs"? So, following this logic, the Antichrist will neither be "male" like Jesus, or "Jewish" like Jesus! It'll probably be some hairdresser from Georgia named Delores who gossips too much and occasionally gives someone a stupid hairstyle out of spite. So, Jerry Falwell! You can put THAT "Tinky Winky" in your mouth and smoke it!! HA! (Gee, I hope he doesn't get mad--it wasn't like I said he had sex with his mom in an outhouse or anything.) Tinky is just all right with me.