If you play music, have a sense of humor, and have something funny, smart, and/or important to say, send 350 words to theband@thestranger.com and you could be the next group in The Band. It's that easy.

Hi. I'm from that band that played before your band and then left halfway through your set. We've done it before, and we'll do it again. Now, if you were playing before us, I'd be out there a-whoopin' it up for ya like an old groupie, but if you play after us you're probably just shitouttaluck. Here's why:

1. A band brings several thousand dollars' worth of gear to each show. After you're done playing, a lotta crazy shit can happen to those goods: an anonymous rocker might "accidentally" walk out of backstage storage with yer prized Rickenbacker, or a Pioneer Square crackhead could gank your effects pedals. I don't rest after a gig until my babies are home safe in the basement.

2. When people come to see your show, they're sacrificing time and money to see a band they may or may not like. That's why we make the rounds after our set and give some attention to the friends, acquaintances, and strangers with a hug, a handshake, some small talk, and maybe a quick blowjob. It's called gratitude, and thanking these people is more important to me than watching your band.

3. Some bands are boring, or derivative, or they just plain suck. Some bands are good at what they do, but I just don't dig their genre. I would swim across a river of fire to see a good, unique, fresh band with crazy energy. I'd be on that faster than a hungry fly on a pile of steaming hot shit. I'd love to see a band that grabs me by the balls and says, "Listen to THIS!" Unfortunately, I haven't shared venues with any bands like that yet.

The only obligation any band has is to be the best goddamn band they can possibly be. And just because my band outdrew your band five-to-one and bailed before you finished playing doesn't mean you gotta be such a sourpuss about it, ya cocksucka. --Sugar Featherstone, bassist for Spiral

www.spiralband.com.

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