It would be nice if everyone went to Heaven, but that simply isn't the case. In Mark 10:24, Jesus Himself complained, "How hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!" The Lord has made it very difficult to crash His cloudy country club—even for His own Son—and no one gets screwed in the End like those who get screwed in the end (Lev. 18:22). I'm no stranger to what goes on between some boys when we're alone in the seminary showers and think the Savior isn't watching, and as that windbag Reverend Jerry Falwell says, "Any hole is a good hole." But higher education is an unholy thing, bursting at the crotch with Satan's most perilous temptations, and with the Apocalypse seriously nigh (New Orleans, anyone?) it's a good idea to navigate even the most irrevocably damned path carefully.

This is going to be difficult. But I'm here to help. The first thing you need to do is avoid other gays. Below is a list of places they frequent. Please avoid them as hard as you can.

If you find it very difficult to avoid other homosexuals, you are probably on Capitol Hill or the internet. If you find yourself toe to toe with another homosexual and can't avoid temptation, be polite, give him or her your real phone number, use condoms, and repent. If that works out for you, have a fake, godless wedding, grow old, and die. It's worked for others.

COMMUNITY RESOURCES & EVENTS FOR THE DAMNED

Babeland, 707 E Pike St: According to Corinthians 6:18, "He who sins sexually sins against his own body." Your body is not God, of course, so it doesn't matter so much if you sin against it, but God tends to frown upon "rubbers," how-to sodomy seminars, S&M porn, and freakishly lifelike phalli, which make Him "uncomfortable."

Gay City Health Project, 1513 Broadway, 860-6969: Many consider this place to be Satan's own PR front. From crystal meth to "fisting," they have suggestions for sinning more efficiently. I suggest you only avail yourself of their services if you absolutely must, and then repent. A lot. (Building a nice orphanage in Africa might do it.) A single glance at any of their "public service" campaign posters will imperil your immortal soul.

DRINK AND DANCE

Neighbours, 1509 Broadway, 324-5358: God commanded, "Love thy neighbor," but this isn't what He meant at all. Thursday nights are cesspools of sin, and have been for 23 years.

The Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 621-7591: A brave young missionary of my acquaintance once ventured into the Eagle to attempt to save some souls. We mourn him still.

Manray, 514 E Pine St, 568-0750: Manray might look like a very clean place full of very clean Catholic boys. How right you are (Lev. 18:22).

The Crescent Tavern, 1413 Olive Way E, 720-8023: This is a gateway to Hell and it is guarded by an ancient demon called "Star." She sings karaoke, and is destined to usher in the Apocalypse as "the great whore with whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication" (Rev. 17:1-2.).

The Wildrose, 1021 E Pike St, 324-9210: Seattle's one and only lesbian bar. As 1 Corinthians 7 tells us, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." Knock yourselves out, girls.

OTHER EXPRESS SHORTCUTS TO HELL

Club Seattle, 1520 Summit Ave, 329-2334: Gay men live their lives in the shadow of one Biblical verse: "Man shall not lie with a man, as man lieth with a woman; it is an abomination." But what exactly does "as man lieth with a woman" mean? No foreplay and premature ejaculation? If so, the Bible's right, and gay men should do everything in their power to not lie with each other as they would with a woman, and this popular, mildly creepy "bathhouse" might be a good place to practice, if you don't mind half-naked men, moist, spongy carpet, and weeping syphillis sores from here to Sunday.

Volunteer Park, 1247 15th Ave E: Every shadowy shrub is a recruiting station for damnation.

Basic Plumbing, 1505 10th Ave, 323-2799: The holes are dripping in glory. And it's not God's.