Oh, it's the MOST vomit-filled time... of the year! (Ding... dong... ding... dong... puuuuuUUUKE!) But this year, fuck it, I'm totes prepared: I've got a crate of saline IV drips on standby and have had round-the-clock B12 shots every half an hour for the past two weeks. (My ass is throbbing. I mean more so than usual. Shut up.) I hope you've had the good sense to do the same. Now, as you know damn good and well, every bar and/or club in the universe—gay and/or otherwise—is doing their own big and "special" New Years Eve "thing" to varying degrees of specialness. Some places just triple the cover charge and give you piss-warm, cheap-ass "sparkling wine" at midnight to justify the annual holiday molestation—some try for a grander program—and any gay bar worth its salted rims will be packed like fudge with drunken faggotry ringing in the so-called New Year by touching your penis. Great! No matter how much it costs—in money or, um, other things (for instance: YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL)—the name of the New Year's game is to bathe in booze and, like I said, PENIS. Our first event is NEW YEAR'S EVE AT THE EAGLE. If you need me to explain why, YOU ARE A MORMON VIRGIN FROM A DEEP CAVE IN PAKISTAN OR SOMETHING. And the best part? NODDY, for verily I say, there is no sexiness sexier than the sexy sexiness of Noddy—Seattle's premier hottie gay pop band. With Jared Mills (Seattle's Sexiest Librarian 2008), Reese Umbaugh (his sexy BF), Dylan Clayton (who I got drunk and asked on a date one time), and Michael Buchert... well. HAPPY SEXY FUCKING NEW YEARS IS WHAT. The Eagle, 10 pm, $7, 21+.

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If you can't stand so much drunken penis—WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?—there are options. Here's a good one: the Grease Sing-Along at (my favorite) CENTRAL CINEMA! Now, there are many reasons I love Central Cinema, and NYE Grease sing-alongs are only one of them. Here you can eat (little meat loaves!) and drink (anything you want!) and enjoy listening to your own ridiculous self belt along with one of the greatest (and gayest: thank YOU, John Travolta) movie musicals of all time. You might not get laid... BUT MAYBE YOU WILL. Central Cinema, 9:30 pm, $8 adv/$10 DOS, 21+.