I can't take it! I'm getting all misty and shit. Real legal gay marriage, almost! I am so going to rush right out and get totally gay married the very second the wretched Olympians finally, finally, FINALLY GODDAMNIT (!) give the official green light. But know this: I've never really even slightly ever maybe wanted to get married—gay or any other kind—because GROSS. It all seems like quite a bourgie bunch of bullshit to me, thank you, señor. But now that the filthy bigots (read: average Republicans) have explained carefully over and over and over that this is going to "open a slippery slope" to all sorts of fun—man-on-man-on-horse-on-grilled-cheese-sandwich-on-pet-rock-on-the-back-of-a-two-headed-turtle-gay-marriage-action!—I intend to DO IT ALL, twice. (Take THAT, Pope!) And the first thing I've decided to marry is Nick Garrison's talent. (Oh, please say yes!) Now, Nick Garrison needs an introduction like a pickle needs a pair of boots, but his legendary Hedwig (which ran for an eternity and was loved more than grandmothers in general) bears a mention due to its curious parallels to I Am My Own Wife—his new show. It's about a transsexual (like Hedwig) from communist East Berlin (Hedwig) trapped behind the wall (Hedwig). But this is not a campy rock opera. It's the tale of Charlotte von Mahlsdorf, a brave and fabulous transsexual woman who hid in plain sight from the Nazis, and Nick plays more than 30 separate fucking characters to tell it. It's going to be dazzling. (PLEASE GAY MARY ME, NICK'S TALENT!) Seattle Repertory Theatre, 7:30 pm, $30, all ages.

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The Sunday pilgrimage to the Cuff has been a gay tradition since Sunday and the Cuff and gayness were invented. It's waxed rather dull over time, actually, and the music certainly hasn't kicked the seeds out of my mango. But Kevin Kauer, the nightlife maven nonpareil who has deftly infiltrated and transformed every nook and cranny of gay Seattle, has finally set his sights on the old tradition and takes it over for good tonight. With a rotating cast of sparkly freakishness every week—Sunday at the Cuff has risen again! The Cuff, 6 pm, $5/free before 8 pm, 21+.