THURS–SAT 3/22–24

BROWN DERBY DOES XANADU

A long, long time ago, God or whoever decided to allow the inimitable 1980 roller-boogie extravaganza known as Xanadu to exist. This was for three reasons: (1) FEATHERED HAIR, (B) it was time to stall Olivia Newton-John's film career for pretty much good, and (thirdly) so that one million years later, Ian Bell would come along and turn it into a crass, hilarious, roller-sex-filled parody starring a bunch of filthy-mouthed drag queens and general degenerates. (God's will be done!) It stars Andrew Tasakos (as Olivia Newton-John, for Christ's sake!), Freddy Molitch, and Josh Hartvigson, and the bad thing is that it will not include Nick Garrison, as Brown Derbys usually do, but if you let that stop you, the world shall indeed be forced to question your commitment to jerk-off and/or fart jokes. And you certainly don't want that. (Or maybe you do.) And with a whizzing, spinning cast of sparkly roller dancers racing around the Re-bar? It sounds really fucking dangerous is what. Thrill! Re-bar, 8 pm, $18 cash only, 21+.

SATURDAY 3/24

CUFF 19th Anniversary Party

Tonight we give our love to our friend the Cuff, because she's always been there for you, hasn't she? Through so much crazy shit that you stomped half of it waaaaay down into your subconscious brainz for the greater good, where it will surely fester into serious neuroses and maybe something terrible like a tumor some day (THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE)—and the Cuff has loved you through it all. Tonight the old girl celebrates all 19 years of itself, with a sizeable do. A birthday party! And hot on the heels of the 2012 Mr. and Mrs. Leather Contest, it's gonna be all hardcore, leathery, old-skool-style Cuff action up in your so-called grill, lady. CAN YOU HANDLE IT? (I have a feeling you can.) The Cuff, 9 pm, $5, 21+.

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SUNDAY 3/25

THE QUEER ADULT ROCK CAMP SHOWCASE

The lovely Ben DeLaCreme hostesses this original thing, which is called the Queer Adult Rock Camp Showcase. Bands that I'm constantly creaming my alleged jeans over shall world-premier new and original material, and by "creaming" and, um, "jeans" I mean SECRET SHOPPERS. Tender Forever from PDX joins them, and Fucking Dyke Bitches, too (they'll wrestle, maybe!), and somehow it's all for a "good cause." And I'm pretty sure we could all use the damn karma. Chop Suey, 7:30 pm, $10, all ages.

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