FRIDAY 4/13

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART KAJILLION!

EEK! Okay. I sense a theme here. FRIDAY THE FUCKING 13th is what? (!!!) A dark and terrible day, chock-full of black, path-crossing cats and salty-shoulders or whatever and much under-a-ladder walking in general. A day that's deeply abhorred by brain-dead and superstitious Xtians everywhere (is that a redundant oxymoron—be honest...) and conversely venerated by SCA dorks, mysterious Wiccans or something, and also SATAN HIMSELF. It's a day that is also inexorably believed to be the most dangerous of all days on which to go hiking/tenting/swimming/fucking/or any-other-fucking-thing else (especially fucking!) at old Sleepaway Camp ever, thank you, period, duh, OMG RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Therefore! We celebrate this most scared and infamous day (eeeek!) with nothing less than the most blood-and-guts-rich/pro-hockey-mask-and-machete-slashing cinematic event to ever molest the minds of pseudo-modern cinema: Friday the 13th Part (wait for it...) VI! (That's "Part SIX," for those of you who don't read in the Latins.) In it, Jason Voorhees (eeek!) and his mask (and machete!) escape from the fiery clutches of hell somehow to wreak Santorum-esque vengeance upon any horny young American camper within reach because WHY NOT? But take courage! There will be booze and little meat loaves to protect us. (Don't fuck if you want to live, though, that's all I'm saying.) Central Cinema, $6 adv/$8 DOS, 7 pm, all ages.

SUNDAY 4/15

ADÉ AT THE COMET

So what the fuck is up with Adé, anyway? Is he/she a she/he or is he a she/he/he/she or who the fuck knows and/or WHATEVER! Here's what can be confirmed absolutely and with soul-crushing certainty: Adé is a Seattle treasure who cannot be ignored. And tonight? She (um, he? WHATEVER, I TELL YOU!) headlines a fabulous night at the smelly old Comet—a gross old bar that once SWORE TO ME YEARS AGO that it would do SOMETHING/ANYTHING about its filthy bathroom. HA! Liars. But fuck it! Adé. ADÉ! ADÉ, ADÉ! (Peeeew.) ADÉ! (Plus, Rosyvelt, Little Penguins, and Webelos.) Comet Tavern, 8 pm, $6, 21+.

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TUESDAY 4/17

SHOWGIRLS AND THE SCHMADER

DAVID SCHMADER! If I have to say anything more than that... well. You (a) just woke up in this universe (welcome, stranger!), (b) are retarded, or (c) are SUPER-RETARDED TIMES A ZILLION, OMG PLEASE DIE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF. And tonight David gives you his world- famous, live, side-along presentation of the undisputed "Best/Worst Movie Ever," Showgirls. And why? Because LOVE, that's why. (So mote it be!) Triple Door, $15 adv/$18 DOS, 7:30 pm, 17+.