KEEP HYDRATED. That's the first damn thing you must remember, or you will die. PRIDE WILL KILL YOU. (A merciless bitch, this Pride.) Also: sunscreen. You need it! (Or, DIE!) B12 shots are helpful, too. And, oh! One more crucial thing: Tonight is the Pride edition of ElektroPop—called Super ElektroPop. This is terrible! Just regular old ElektroPop could kill you with its oh so fucking coolness, so it's entirely probable that this SUPER version will finish you off, period. This, of course, will not stop you. Staring hostess Mama Tits, featuring all-star DJs, and now, just for the Pridey pleasure of wee underage 'mos, it will take place between TWO venues, and one will be ALL AGES, so you too-youngsters can save the money you were wasting on fake IDs and spend it on keeping hydrated, like I told you. You've been warned. Baltic Room (21+)/Melrose Market Studios (all ages), 8 pm, $5.
HEY TRANNY IT'S TRANNY, WITH SHARON NEEDLES
Listen to me very carefully: This is THE don't-miss-or-you-might-as-well-just-K-I-L-L-Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F event (oh, murderous Pride!) starring the weirdest and most wonderful drag creature ever to crawl out of the RuPaul's Drag Race lagoon—Sharon Needles. Unfortunately, there is a three and a half kajillion percent chance that tickets are going to be sold out for this event as of... NOW! So probably die is just what you're gonna do. (Hurry! Or you'll have to lurk outside and rubberneck like a loser!) With Ben Delacreme, Stella Rose, and more! Neumos, 8 pm, $32–$60, 21+.
THE RED PARTY
For women! (Which is a relative term!) A Pride tradition, featuring DJ Tina T from Vegas and hosted by Honeysuckle Hype. Wear red! It's, like, mandatory or something. Baltic Room, 10 pm, $20–$40, 21+.
You might have a slim chance of surviving Pride. But the old Funhouse? No. Greedy developers with no sense of history or community are destroying it soon, so this Pride shebang with Glitterbang, Amateur Youth, and the incomparable Ononos spells the end of an era. Funhouse, 3 pm, $8, 21+.