If you, like me, will be standing naked in some old graveyard surrounded by a bunch of very nervous goats on Halloween, well! You're all booked up, then, aren't you. Good.

HOWEVS. If not, then you need to plan important holidays better is what. Also, there's hope! Market Ghost Tours is throwing an epic Halloween extravaganza in the Hauntedest Fucking Place in Seattle™, Kells Irish Restaurant & Pub. (Goddamn morbid Irish—we attract ghosts like bullshit attracts Republicans.)

Now, if you didn't know, the place in Post Alley where old Kells lives today is the same exact building where there once lived what was pretty much the scariest, sketchiest, and most scandalous mortuary in the history of death. All kinds of seriously crazy shit went down there, for real. (Murder! Mayhem! Plagues! Prostitutes! Killer MDs! Criminal insanity! It's HISTORY!) Thusly, the place is said to be crammed to its creepy crannies with wandering specters of the unquiet damned—more so than any other spot in haunted old Pike Place Market. (This has been "confirmed" by everyone/thing from witch doctors from New Orleans to terrible shows on A&E. Thrilling!)

The entire second floor of the place (the hauntedest part!) is reserved for the party portion of the event, which includes a costume contest (come as a famous dead Pike Place Market character for best results) and a big brass band. But the best part is that you will also be treated to a guided Pike Place Market ghost tour by the event's hostess, the inimitable Kook Teflon. And what is an inimitable Kook Teflon? A Kook Teflon is an artist and a walking human art piece, the coven leader of the band the Witches Titties, and, most importantly for our purposes here, a ghost hunter extraordinaire! She has conducted dozens of very scary nighttime ghost investigations in this very spot, and she is the resident expert on all of Pike Place's resident spooks—and she's happy to introduce you. It just doesn't get Halloweenier. (Barring goats and graveyards, naturally.) Kells Irish Pub, 7 pm, $20 adv/$25 DOS, 21+.