You know? All y'all bitches need to CALM the eff DOWN. Shooo. I KNOW! That anxious, sweaty, where-the-hell-did-that-raging-boner-just-come-from? feeling. But it's important to maintain some dignity in this here queer life, correct? Correct. So let's all just take a few deep, healthy, calming breaths (and I am certainly not ruling out the presence of a gigantic iced bong in this scenario, please to note), and try to compose ourselves. Because when the foul-mouthed human snarkasm generator Willam Belli shows up (watch her YouTube show, Willam's Beatdown, which is now your new everything) to perform live and in person for you with none other than (brace yourself) the world-famous RuPaul's Draggyhooozy Season Whateverblahblah almost-third-place winner, Detox Icunt (whom you adore, as do I), and the amazing Lady Vicky Vox (and somehow these events are all bound up with the super-hot guy who invented Scruff), well. The impulse to screech and jump up and down and claw your face off like a spastic tween who's been sprayed with a jigger of Justin Bieber juice becomes not only understandable—it's a fait accompli.

So! Our night is split between two thrilling halves. We begin early at Neighbours, and lady, It's a Shit Show—and not just the usual kind. "It's a Shit Show" is what they are calling the aforementioned once-in-a-lifetime triumvirate performance by Diva Detox, Willam, and Vicky Vox, known collectively as DWV. They are to perform their video smash hits ("Boy Is a Bottom," "The Vagina Song," etc.), dazzle you with their wit, and hit us with a few solo performance surprises. Did I mention ONCE IN A LIFETIME? Shooo. Neighbours, 7 pm, $18/$30 VIP, 21+.

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After It's a Shit Show, we shall amble as soberly as possible on down to the Eagle for Dickslap. But not just any old Adrian-goes-on-about-it-constantly Dickslap! This is the official It's a Shit Show after-party, featuring the patron saint of beards and geospatial hookups: Johnny Scruff! (Bless.) Johnny'll be twerking it alongside buff TV stud Shawn Morales and the ever-delightful Faggedy Randy and Brendan Zincavage. Do it, you filthy beast! For Johnny. The Eagle, 10 pm, 21+.