In excess of joy, we weep, or something, William Blake is rumored to have said, and if that is true (which it is, of course—Blake is rumored to have said everything), we shall indeed be left with salty pumpkins full of giddy tears over the sheer joyful excessiveness of this here Halloween. We have on our gory little hands an exquisite glut of gay/spooky/sexy happenings happening, far too many to cram into this little cranny. So. You know. Check Line Out for ever-so-many more gay and highly recommended recommendations.

WEDNESDAY 10/30

CRAFTY TEEN WITCHES AT WET

Firstly! The power of something (pretty sure it's not Christ) compels me to draw your attention to Washington Ensemble Theatre's new and one-night-only "theatrical re-imagining" of my favorite witchy-teen flick ever, The Craft! (Please note: I do not recommend this just because it mirrors my high-school experience exactly, except that, yes, it really is because of that.) What's scarier than four feckless, newly menstruating teenagers wielding the powers of hell? FUCKING NOTHING! Exactly. Staring The Stranger's own Devin Bannon as Nancy, a role he was born to play. But remember: If now is the time, if this is the hour, if ours is the magic... WHY ARE YOU STILL BLEEDING? Washington Ensemble Theatre, $6, 8 pm, all ages.

THURSDAY 10/31

ALYSSA AND JAKE GO BUMP!

Second to lastly! By the prickling of our bums, something wicked this way comes... and what could be wickeder than Alyssa Edwards's infamous BACK ROLLS?! Or Jake Shears's sexy, sexy armpits? FUCKING NOTHING! Exactly. It's BUMP's 30th anniversary, you know, and tonight we celebrate the wickedest night of the year with these two luminaries, of RuPaul's Drag Race season 5 and the Scissor Sisters, respectively. Also sexing you up all Samhain-style will be our own DJ Nark (naturally—Nark Magazine is producing this year) and DJ Trouble (who you know is secretly Dan Savage's husband, Terry, right?), and hosted by the ever-amazing Ben DeLaCreme! Neighbours, $30/$65 VIP, 9 pm, 21+.

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ARMAGEDDON!

Finally! If Obama has screwed up your personal economy, too (OBAMA!!), and you need something a little bit not-a-$30-cover-charge, there is no better choice than Pony tonight, as an All Hallows' Eve at Pony is a visual horror show of freakish delights—in fact, please note, this year costumes are REQUIRED for entrance. (And "a moustache from Archie McPhee's doesn't count!" Ahem.) Queer rapper Boy Funk (PDX) is performing, a costume contest (of course) is happening, and BEWARE THE WHISPERING PEE SPIRITS THAT LINGER AT THE GLORYHOLE. No joke. They are NOT messing around. Pony, 9 pm, $5, 21+.