Pray for survival! Gird your pretty loins! OMGEEZY IT'S TIME FOR THE RED DRESS PARTY. I suggest you take the rest of the week off. Go ahead! Freshen up a bit, get your dress (and your poor liver) ready, shed those extra winter pounds. Personally, my dress is DONE (thank you, Pakio Galore!), and I've had my finger down my throat for a week. Kidding! Kidding. (BULIMIA IS NO JOKE. It's a solid weight-loss strategy.) You're going, of course (you must!), but please to remember: You have to wear a red dress. HAVE TO! That's the big rule—in fact, the ONLY rule, as far as I can tell: Drink your weight in gin, swing from the chandeliers, holler, twerk, freak out, twerk the freak out, bump uglies, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVS, but you HAVE to do it in a red dress, and they're thuper-duper strict about it, so please don't show up in a green pantsuit or something, because you'll look quite foolish crying on the corner in the rain.

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Now, if you labor under the silly misimpression that this party is all about drag queens (as, really, most things are these days) and/or that you have to be a drag queen yourself to partake, then you labor under a silly misimpression is what. (I JUST TOLD YOU THAT.) Although some of our most delightful queens are hosting and headlining (BenDeLaCreme is gonna bless us with a little of her singular DeLaCremey magic, and our friend Gaysha Starr is cohosting in a breathtaking, vintage, one-of-a-kind gown!). However! The vast majority of attendees are just boys (and a healthy smattering of girls—but really, it's kind of a sausagefest) in dresses: no makeup, no mile-high wigs or heels, just red dresses of every conceivable sort. (Yes, to answer your next question, tutus are just fine—but they gotta be what again, children? RIGHT! Red as angry bull balls.) The overall effect is astonishingly sexy.

The lineup this year is fraught with razzle and dazzle: Michelle Visage, from RuPaul's Drag Race, is the MC! Betty Who, from Australia, is making her Seattle debut! DJs Bret Law, Breezy, and sexy schmexy Grind are spinning! Thea Austin is performing, Shokra will be there, even two beautiful aerialists called Mantryx will be twirling above the dance floor... VIP events, meet and greets, holy mother of pearl! This party is OUTRAGEOUS. Are you ready? I almost am. (Baaaaarf!) See you there. Fremont Studios, 9 pm, $40/$100 VIP adv, 21+. recommended