Firstly, I deeply regret writing this regrets column. I need to make that quite plain up front. Dark forces hold a damn gun to my head EVERY flippin' YEAR and say, "Adrian Ryan, regret things, OR ELSE," and so I sit down and rack what remains of my memory for mistakes and missteps that I clearly didn't make (how could I? I ask you), and then bang out all kinds of dreadful LIEEEES to try to convince you I'm capable of so base an emotion as regret. As if you were a child! But I am indeed forced to admit that 2014 was a gigantic bummer in a few select homocentric ways worth noting, and if I were actually capable of feeling regret, the following things would twist my soul in anguish and keep me up all night. So let's end this year with a quick gander at the worst that it gave us, have a nice ugly cry about it (BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOO!), and then try to move forward with a little dignity. In no particular order, then:

I regret my flagrant abuse of the exclamation point! (See?) I regret the 481 times I reported that a fetish night was going on at the Cuff when clearly I was ON CRACK and nothing was happening of the sort. (I also regret the utterly depressing state of most gay bars' web calendars and press releases, thank-you-very-much.) I honestly regret ever learning the term "rectal feeding." (THANKS, CIA!) I really regret being forced to miss the Hercules & Love Affair show at Neumos back in September due to a chronic case of death. I also regret that last cocktail. As an axiom.

I regret that RuPaul didn't have the good sense to select even ONE Seattle queen to compete on the upcoming season of Drag Race—and SPEAKING OF THAT. Well. Let us all take a moment to reflect on the absolutely worst thing that happened all year: BenDeLaCreme getting so wrongfully eliminated in the disastrous and life-ruining episode 11 of last season. That one still smarts. I also regret that Ben was awarded "Miss Congeniality" during the finale, because FUCK YOU RUPAUL THAT'S WHY. Honestly.

I regret the loss of the Lobby (a little) and the rumored upcoming loss of Chop Suey (a little more) and all of the club nights they hosted (farewell Lick, good-bye Tuck!). I regret that I did not get a theremin as a gift for any occasion. HONESTLY, WHERE'S MY THEREMIN!?

And, finally, as always, I regret Republicans. All of them. More than you will ever understand.